Shy Guy

Dear Mitchell: I’m a single guy in NYC, and am kind of shy. What’s the best way to meet people when you first walk into a bar? 
 
Sincerely,
The Guy in the Corner

Dear Sincere: Ah, I knew we’d get to this question eventually. It won’t be the last time I hear it, either.

You say you’re shy? What you actually are is timid about getting stuck all night with the first person who says hello. Yes, it’s true. I’ve seen lots of “shy” people in action. What you need to work on is not how to meet people, but how to get rid of people. Rehearse these sentences: “Thanks for the nice chat. I’m going to go wander around for a bit.” “I’m going to go look for my friend.” “Excuse me.”

Once you get good at the end part, the beginnings are easy.

Stickin’ It To The Man

Dear Mitch: I don’t know if you heard, but things got ugly at a gay pride rally in Latvia, with protesters. But I found this photo on Andrew Sullivan’s website:

Why on earth would these lesbians come out against homosexuality? I’d think they’d be natural allies. Or is there a whole Jets and Sharks thing going on between the genders in the Eastern European gay community?

Dear Curious: Curious indeed! Though perhaps not totally illogical that two lesbians would be turned off by anal sex. Now that I think about it, however, perhaps it’s anal sex between stick figures they object to. Stick figures are useful (I wouldn’t know what “Ped Xing” meant without them) but maybe even I don’t want to see them get it on.

Truthfully, we all know people who can be offended by nearly anything. Oddly, some of them are lesbians. Go (stick) figure.

Your Place or…?

Dear Bartender: I’m a a 52-year-old DWM looking for love. People say I have a friendly face, though after the first wife, I really let myself go and now I’m tipping the scales at about 400 pounds. Alimony to the second wife has left me broke, with neither a car nor an apartment. Court-ordered child support takes most of my unemployment check, which is no big deal since that’s going to run out soon enough. Life is short, and since I’m unable to finish my novel, I’m thinking of finally taking my Dad’s advice by going to law school. That could be hard, since I also have certain health problems, mostly swelling, except where it would be most useful (don’t ask).

My question is this: how can I keep a girlfriend with my life in such chaos? And how honest should I be about not having an apartment? Most of all, how can I find a woman who will accept me for me?

Dear 52DWM400: I wouldn’t worry about finding someone who can accept you for you. Clearly you’ve taken care of that one yourself. As for the girlfriend, when you meet her, odds are she’ll have problems of her own. Accept her for her and see what happens.

Still, there’s no harm in emphasizing the positive. Try this out: “I’m sensitive, generous to a fault, great sense of humor and after I get out of law school I’m going to sue every fast-food restaurant in America, get filthy rich and finally get that McMansion I’m saving myself for. Nothing but the best for you and me, baby. Nothing but the best.”

Don’t Hold Dinner

Dear Bartender: How do I keep my wife from smelling the beer on my breath when I come home “late” from work?  She always greets me at the door with a kiss.  (BTW: Breath mints and gum are a dead giveaway.)

Dear Bad Husband: A small piece of chocolate or an outbreak of herpes ought to do the trick.  Lucky for you you’re a selfish lover and it’s just beer that she’s smelling. You know what I mean?

Please Deposit 25 Cents For An Additional…

Dear Bartender: Is having sex with a robot cheating? I say yes, my husband says no. (He’s talking theoretically, of course.)

Dear Wife: Your husband is hereby notified that he is not allowed to have sex with a robot. But — here’s the good news — you can! As soon as a reasonably appealing fuckit bucket comes off the assembly line, he’s all yours. Explain to your husband that that’s the beauty of modern romance: as long as everyone’s happy, the rules do not have to be applied equally. Your husband’s been clear: he won’t consider robot sex cheating. Go for it!

I’ll worry about it, however, when your write me asking what constitutes cheating on your robot.

How to Party Like It’s 1979

Dear Bartender: I’m having a 70s party and I need some great 70s songs – not disco or pop, just basic rock songs that are happy-making. For example, I have Chicago’s Stronger Every Day lined up. Can you recommend nine more?

Dear Party Host: My first suggestion is to get your guests really smashed in the first hour, so they’ll be less likely to notice that you’re playing the same 10 songs over and over and over.

If they complain, blame it on AM radio.

1. America, “Horse with No Name”; 2. Bad Company, “Rock Steady”; 3. David Bowie, “Station To Station”; 4. Foreigner, “Feels Like the First Time”; 5. Sweet, “Blockbuster”; 6. Joe Walsh, “Rocky Mountain Way”; 7. Led Zep, “Custard Pie”; 8. Queen, “Fun It”; 9. Rolling Stones, either “Shattered” from Some Girls or “Dance, Pt. 1″ from Emotional Rescue.

What does woman want?

Dear Bartender: I’m a 17-year-old guy who has never had a girlfriend. I’m above average, I’d say – OK looking, reasonably intelligent. It just seems like they always like me as a friend, and nothing more.

I’m off to college in a month and I’d like to turn things around. Do you have advice for me?

Dear 17: Who let you in here? You trying to get my bar shut down?

Here’s what you need to know. College women retain none of the romantic criteria they used as high school girls. If you’ve managed to befriend girls in high school, then you have exactly the qualities those same girls will be looking for in a college boyfriend.

Unless, of course, in changing their criteria for romantic partners they’ve also all decided to date women.

Hair Affair

Dear Bartender: OK, this may sound silly. My husband went away for a conference. I suspected that a woman who used to work with him, and who I always suspected had a crush on him, would be there. When he returned, I asked him if any old acquaintances had been there, and he said no. Then I asked, “Not even ‘Sue’?” And he said, “Oh, yes, she was there.” Well, later on I washed his shirts, and when I was ironing them, I found a long blonde hair on one of them. Guess what color ‘Sue’’s hair is?

Now, I had gotten my hair cut earlier that day by a lady with long blonde hair, so it may be that I carried one of her hairs out of the salon with me, and it got on his shirt. But how can I be sure?

Dear Non-Blonde: There’s really so little that we can be totally sure of in this world, but one thing’s certain: you’re going to have a rotten marriage if you don’t cut this shit out right now.

But if you insist on dwelling on it, consider this:  I know for a fact that your husband is having an affair with your hairdresser.

This Post Will Self-Destruct at Midnight

Well, not self-destruct, really. But the date will be changed — it won’t be dated January 29. 2007; it will be back-dated to July 22, 2006. There it will hide, and you and I can have a private conversation.

But only if this mission you choose to accept.

A Booze Stash for Grown-Ups

Dear Mitchell: My liquor stash currently consists of a jug of Carlo Rossi Paisano. Time to grow up. What is the minimum stock I need for a proper home liquor cabinet?

Dear Growing: Are we talking stuff to have around for last-minute late-night guests or how to prepare for your quarterly cocktail bash? Actually, the answer is the same. I was just trying to find out how much you sleep around.

You’re not a hotel bar, of course. You only need variety. Be prepared to offer three kinds of mixed drinks of your choice, two of which may be sweet but at least one of which is not vodka-based. Drinks with only two ingredients are acceptable — even ideal. Nobody’s showing up at your house expecting a Planter’s Punch. Have two slender bottles of a drinkable wine on hand for last-minute dinner guests. And make sure you have four trays of ice good to go at all times.

Oh, and keep something brown on hand for when Lou comes over. 

(Just a quick side note, since we’re talking about growing up: You do know that gallon-sized jugs make you look crass, right?)

Banana Fanna Fo Fieran…

Dear Bartender: My husband would like for our baby to have his name if it’s a boy.  Trouble is, his name is Kieran, which is a beautiful Irish name, of course, but…
 
How do I approach this without hurting his feelings?  Or am I in the wrong for wanting to name him Michael, or Thomas, or something more everyday male, by US standards?

-Pregnant Lady

Dear Pregnant Lady: The baby might really like the name Kieran. I’m guessing you haven’t asked it yet, which is too bad because it’s the baby who’s going to have to hear it mutilated over and over in every variation of an American accent, and it the baby who’ll have to spell it every time his dentist gets a new receptionist. I suggest you start practicing saying the name without making a face because your husband is going to win this one.  Have another baby and name it John. Or do the really smart thing and have a girl.

Anyway, the kid will have a nickname sooner or later.  Mine was “Noodle.” Remember:  Things could always be worse. By the way, I once dated a guy named Kieran.  Funny if it’s your husband!  Well, you might not think so.  See?  Perspective.  Things could always be worse.