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Dear Bartender: At the gym this morning, I overheard a guy telling someone how he’d dedicated a part of his summer to helping out at a camp for kids. He went on and on about all the work he’d done, then added at the end, “Oh yeah, and they were all underprivileged.”

Was it his smugness that I found so buggy? Or am I being Republican?

– Eavesdropper

Dear Eavesdropper: Not his smugness so much as his condescension. You don’t have to be Republican to rather be a poor kid than an underprivileged one.

It Could Happen To You

Dear Bartender: I am an extremely attractive woman. I won’t say that I have every guy on the planet eating out of my hand — I haven’t met every guy on the planet. But it’s true that it’s pretty easy to get most guys to do what I want. I mix the right amount of niceiness and bossiness and get to the heart of it: most people want to be told what to do.

Before you dismiss me as vain or heartless, I didn’t ask for things to be this way. It’s my lot in life. What else am I supposed to do? If you found a $10 on the sidewalk, you’d pick it up, even if it was too bad for the person who lost it, right?

My question is: Assuming that someday this will all cease to get me absolutely everything I want, what’s going to happen to me? Should I be worried?

Dear Extremely Attractive Woman: After the Revolution, the Soviet government was so enamored of itself that it officially believed that there were no prostitutes in Russia. (All pre-Revolution prostitues were allowed a graceful retirement.)

Maybe someone’s set up a retirement home for you, too.

Lord Help the Mister

Dear Bartender: My sister’s getting married soon. Her fiancé is like totally hitting on me. We all went to Olive Garden two weeks ago and when my sister was in the bathroom he was like a different guy, staring me in the face, licking his lips, making suggestive comments… I don’t know how I should proceed. I mean, the last thing I want is for my sister to be unhappy, but if they’re not married yet is a little oral sex so out of line?

– Not the bride

PS He is soooooo hot!

Dear Not bride: OK so this question got interesting the moment I realized that the writer is a guy. (How do I know that? What woman would let her sister go to the Olive Garden bathroom by herself?) Meanwhile, my friend David is leaning over my shoulder right now insisting I do something with the pun, “Something borrowed, something blew…”

I will resist. And so should you. This wouldn’t necessarily apply if we were talking about a friend’s fiancé. It’s just that sisters are so much harder to come by than friends… or fiancés.

Tough Love

Dear Bartender: My girlfriend dumped me a year ago. It was rough for a while, but slowly (slowly) we got over it and we’ve managed to be friends again. Which is great, because I really like her. But here’s my problem: Lately she’s been flirting with me, winking, touching, smiling… Does she want to get back together? How can I know for sure?

– Jilted

Dear Jilted: You can be sure of this: She doesn’t want to get back together. She’s just pissed that you’re not so miserable any more.

One Way To Skin A Cat

Dear Bartender: Can I remain friends with a family whose wrinkly elderly cat is shaved down to pink? The hair on its head and tail would fill a watermelon each, but the “trunk” is nude. The thing keeps trying to insist its way onto my lap, swiveling its flat, blank face into mine and wheezing. Ack, hack – and is there any way to stop that fluid from coming out of its nose?

–Frightened

Dear Frightened: Interestingly, I’ve been asked a question on this topic before. As vivid as that question was, yours might be the one that gives me bad dreams tonight.

What I’m wondering is: if someone were to hand you his pet tarantula, would anyone balk if you screamed? How come we’re all supposed to pretend that all cats are loveable?

Shaved, ugly, pus-dripping ones are not. You can’t tell your friends that, however. Your best bet, if it’s too late to feign an allergy, is to stand up.

Testy

Dear Bartender: If I give you some constructive criticism, do you promise not to get mad?

– E

Dear E: No, but thanks just the same.

Full House

Dear Bartender: My wife is having an affair. What am I expected to do about it? I don’t care enough to punch the guy she’s sleeping with in the eye. And anyway, that might open the door for HER to punch MY special lady in the eye. The day my special lady has a black eye is the day I don’t want to sleep with her anymore. Then what would I do? I’d probably have to make up with my wife.

–Bill

Dear Bill: Marriage is a complicated thing; never doubt it. But the day it gets as complicated as this is the day you admit that it’s likely that it’s over.

Tip me over

Dear Bartender: I have been reading the questions and answers on appropriate tipping — and I need to make amends with my bartender. I usually order a beer and tip $2.00 (what I thought was perfectly adequate for a beer). After multiple purchases (and multiple tips), I am sometimes given a free beer. I then give my usual tip of $2.00.

Should I be tipping more? I don’t want to be thought of as cheap or ungrateful — or worse, clueless.

I am anxiously awaiting your answer.

– Jay

Dear Jay: Uh, you need to make amends with your bartender — or he needs to make amends with you? I can’t find anything wrong with this relationship, unless by “sometimes” you mean “not nearly often enough.” The bartender should comp you once in a while, but expecting or demanding it is unlikely to make it happen more often.

I’m pretty certain I’ve missed the main thesis of your question (especially as I’ve answered it before).

How about you write back and clarify?

I anxiously await your reply.

Show of Hands

Dear Bartender:

A friend told me that a couple he hooked up with used hand puppets to get him in the mood. This leaves a lot to the imagination, but I’ve never heard of such a thing. Any insights on how this gets the juices flowing?

-Grover

Dear Grover: In the mood for what? You sure you got this right? When my hand puppets come out, it’s not to get anyone ready for sex.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the song “Mahna Mahna” was originally used in a 60s Swedish porn film. FYI.

Is 18 Old Enough To Drink?

Dear Bartender: I met one of my best friends in 9th grade. This year marks the 18th year of our friendship. I thought I’d get him an 18-year old bottle of Scotch for his birthday/Christmas this year. To be honest, I think he is more of a Bourbon drinker than a Scotch drinker; Maker’s is one of his usual drinks. Are there any 18-year old Bourbons out there? If not, do you have a recommendation on an 18-year old Scotch?

– Buddy

Dear Buddy: OK so Scotch would be easier. But there’s some good info on Bourbons out there… especially 12-, 16-, and 20-y.o Bourbons.

Yet you want an 18-y.o Bourbon. How much of a Bourbon snob is your friend? Does he value sentimentality over taste? If not, you may want to get him involved in your decision before you spend a lot of money. For all I know, he may prefer a good bottle of wine.

That said, ELIJAH CRAIG 18-YEAR-OLD SINGLE BARREL seems to meet your criteria. Or there’s SAZERAC STRAIGHT RYE WHISKEY, aged (at least) 18 years but comes as part of a set of 3, along with 17- and 19-y.o. Bourbons.

My advice: Give him a shot of Maker’s Mark and tell him it’s any age you want.

All in the Family

Dear Bartender: My new niece is SOOOOOO sexy! Drives me madness just to look at her. OK, so how do I endure the next family bbq if she insists on wearing tank tops?

– Unka

Dear Unka: OK so the only things saving you here are the words “new” and “tank tops.” From this criteria I can deduce that a) your niece is old enough to wear tank tops, therefore b) for her also to be “new,” you musta gotten married into this relationship.

I mean, stop me if I’m wrong, OK?

Here’s my advice: Hands off the niece. If you insist on having an affair with someone related to you, stick with your wife’s aunts.

One more for the road

Dear Bartender: My daughter drinks way too much. I worry that she’ll get overhydrated. What should I do?

– Concerned Dad

Dear Dad: She may indeed get overhydrated — a.k.a. hyponatremia — if she drinks too much. The scary thing is that hyponatremia can feel exactly like dehydration (nausea, confusion, fatigue…). It’s all about your blood sodium concentration being out of whack. Is your daughter an endurance athlete? You should tell her that she can’t just swallow any amount of salt-free liquid (i.e. water) willy-nilly.

Unless, of course, you’re trying to tell me that your daughter’s an alcoholic.

Put A Lid On It

Dear Bartender: What’s the best way to put out a grease fire? Do you know?

Dear Reader: It’s my day off, and I’m too busy watching “Schoolhouse Rock” on DVD to answer stupid questions.

Seal the Deal

Dear Mitchell: I was recently at a swanky fundraising dinner where we had a choice of entrees. After selecting mine (veal) I spent the entire dinner dodging the rude remarks of my dinner partner (a certain lady — who was no lady). She stated loudly and repeatedly that ordering/eating/enjoying veal was cruel, heartless, downright mean. I smiled during the first 30 minutes of her tirade, ignored her during the next 30 minutes, but at the start of the third lecture, finally could take it no more. When she again told me how horrible it was to order veal, I snapped.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I preferred clubbed baby seal, but it wasn’t offered.

Was I out of line?

And by the way, she was wearing leather shoes and carrying a shagreen evening bag.

Veal my pain?

Dear Pain: You not only addressed this question to a bartender, you addressed it to a vegetarian. That said, you should’ve clubbed the bitch and spared the seal.

The Penis Reponds

Dear Bartender: I absolutely detest seeing straight girls in gay bars. I know they have every right to be there (legally), but the bars are crowded enough already without them. Whether they’re there to shield some young, impressionable homo from interacting with other men in an effort to prevent the crushing of his all-too-fragile ego, or whether they arrive in packs thinking they’re living some “Sex and the City” fabulous fantasy lifestyle, let’s face it, they just get in the way.

I know a gay bar is a safe zone for a lot of people, including these girls, where they can get away from the gropes of drunken straight ex-frat boys who frequent mainstream bars. But from my perspective, it’s not their safe zone. If it were, it wouldn’t be a gay bar. It’s not our job to protect them from that kind of machismo. It might also help the situation if they realized for a change that they were guests in a place with different social norms and not the center of attention for once.

Am I going overboard here?

-Spanky

Dear Spanky: I’ve heard a lot of women tell me why they hang out in gay bars (“The music’s so good! All my friends are here! It’s right next door to Victoria’s Secret!”) but none of them seem to get at the heart of it.

Straight women hang out in gay bars to avoid anyone who wants to pork. Your quickest route to getting rid of them is to disappoint.

What the Doctor Ordered, Maybe

Dear Bartender: How do you smuggle booze into a hospital for a friend who is a patient there? I’m thinking of a thermos, but am nervous that it will be checked. Do I go with a colostomy bag hidden under my coat?

– All My Friends Are Alcoholics, That’s Why They’re My Friends

Dear All My Friends: A colostomy bag? Yuck. Who wants to drink out of that?

If it’s so hard to smuggle in a flask, then just ask the nurse to up his morphine. Or just hit him on the head. If you do it right, you can totally get him high.

Hello, Dolly

Dear Bartender: I met my next-door neighbor tonight — and I was like totally surprised to find out that he’s cute, smart and single. I won’t apologize for wanting to see everyone I meet happy and married — my question is whom to introduce him to first: I have friends who would make good spouses (IMHO) and friends who would be a good romp.

Where do I start??!

– Yenta

Dear Yenta: Let’s start with that IMHO — it’s a key to your whole dilemma. It’s not your job to decide for your friends with whom they would be compatible; it’s merely your responsibility to put all the single people you know in the same room often enough for them to figure it out for themselves.

Besides, unless you’ve given them a test drive, how can you say for sure who would be sexually compatible with whom?

My suggestion: Throw a dinner party. Come back if you need recipe ideas.

More Mitch ‘n’ Match

Dear Bartender: Match Game was fun. Can we play again?

My mother drank so much when she was pregnant, that the minute I was born I reached right for her [BLANK].

–RT

Dear RT: OK I think the way we play Match Game for real is for me to keep my answer a secret, and hope that it matches at least one of the answers on the celebrity panel.

Do we have celebrity volunteers out there?

Jungle Red

Dear Bartender: I left my husband after I found out he was having an affair. I was on the fence about picking a fight about the whole thing but my friends all managed to convince me that I was a fool if I let him get away with it. I’ve been miserable ever since. He’s still with that woman, or so I hear through the grapevine, but now I’m wondering (too late?) if I should put up a fight for him. Or would that mean I had no pride?

– Lonely Tonight

Dear Lonely: I might be going out on a limb here, but I’d say no woman ever conquered a man with her pride. Think you can take it from there?

Ass a Bartender

Dear Bartender: I patronize a watering hole near my office. There is a bartender there (let’s call him Geoff) who looks like a youngish Howie Long. He’s been very nice to me whenever I show up; you know, a smile and a wink, etc. But the other night, the strangest thing happened. As he left the bar for a moment, he passed by me and squeezed my ass. He then commented that I had a reallllly large ass — “ample” is the word he used, I believe. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Should I have told him to “kiss my fat, ample ass”? Or, as a nice Christian man (Episcopalian), should I have just turned the other cheek (so to speak)? I eagerly await your answer, as I probably will return there — the place is close, the lighting is good, and even at 43 years old I still look better than most of the barflies that hang out there.

I know what you’re thinking, but I am not looking to get into his pants, as I understand he has a “partner” at home.

– Ample Assed Andy.

Dear Big-Ass Andy: OK first of all I don’t buy for a minute that you’re not trying to get into his pants or you never would have used those smarmy quotes around the word “partner.”

But we were talking about your ass. I searched my rhyming dictionary to see if you maybe misheard him — but none of the words were much improvement on “ample.”

That said, what’s wrong with an ample ass? Something to grab on to. You know? I say you should go back and tell him your ample ass needs some attention — or at least a stiff drink.