Three’s A Crowd

Dear Bartender: OK here’s the deal. Someone I know — not really a friend, just someone who hangs out at the same bar I hang out at — has been dying to introduce me to her new flame. Mr. New Flame finally appears (I was beginning to doubt he existed!) and my “friend” keeps asking me over and over: Isn’t he everything I said he was? Isn’t he cute? Aren’t you amazed that someone this wonderful is actually this into me?

Well, as soon as my “friend” takes a bathroom break, her “new flame” asks me for my phone number.

It just seemed totally outrageous to me. But I will admit — he is cute, and I was intrigued.

My question(s): Should I tell my friend? And what should I do if Mr. New Flame calls me??? What have I got, really, to lose?

– Curious in San Diego

Dear Curious: Your reputation. Don’t underestimate it, lady. It might be the only thing you’ve got left worth keeping.

Orange Was The Color Of Her Dress, Then Blue Silk

Dear Bartender: I recently started dating this guy who’s all into jazz music while I am purely a pop/rock music fan. I am, however, so into him when he’s passionately discussing or listening to his favorites, but I always feel like I don’t have anything inspirational to offer in that moment. The closest thing to jazz on my iPod is Norah Jones and she doesn’t sound like the stuff he loves. You must be an expert on all music since you hang out at a bar all day. Can you recommend some good jazz that I can use to impress him with?

– Jazzed & Confused

Dear Jazzed: As luck would have it, you’ve asked a jazz fan. I don’t play any jazz at my bar — frankly, people are weirded out enough by what I play — but jazz is my first love and there’s plenty on my iPod.

Your new friend is bound to have strong opinions about what he likes. Your job is not to like what he likes — but convincingly to defend what YOU like.

Tell him that you will listen to nothing but Charles Mingus. You’ll tolerate no one else. If he tries to sell you on Thelonius Monk — start screaming. Break things if necessary. Tell him you’ll kill yourself if he ever mentions another artist ever again.

He’ll believe you’re a jazz fan.

God Rocks

Dear Bartender: What should I get my friend for his 64th birthday? He’s hard to shop for because he’s a priest. (Don’t they take vows of poverty or something?) Anyway, I thought about getting him some wine but maybe that would offend him — transubstantiation-wise. You know?

Dear Friend: I’ve never known a priest who took a vow of poverty. Or took offense at an offer of alcohol. Maybe because the only priests I meet are the ones who come into my bar. Or maybe it’s because you’re confusing priests with nuns and brothers. Nuns and brothers are indeed hard to shop for.

Priests are easy. I have a priest friend and every year we buy him some Christian crap from one of those mail-order companies — inspirational stuff like “Leap For The Lord” potato sacks, “Cross Pops” popping candy and mints with wrappers that have Bible verses on them (called “Testamints”).

But I imagine you have a better idea what might make him happy.

Maybe you should get him a book. I hear the Bible’s pretty interesting. Has he ever read that?

An Affair To Remember

Dear Bartender: I was cheating on you this morning by cruising other bartender websites. I came upon this website that offered recommendations on getting served quickly in a crowded bar. I thought that your readers might find it useful. Also, wanted to know if you thought any of these pearls carried more weight than others.

– TTSmartypants

Dear TT: The best way to get served in a crowded bar is to have the kind of relationship where the bartender knows what you drink — and how quickly you drink it, no matter how many other customers he has. (Hello, Eric! Wassup, Chester!) There are no shortcuts; you must cultivate these relationships organically.

That said, the website you found is impressively chock-full of useful information. The most important — and most often ignored — is to not get the bartender’s attention if you aren’t ready to give your entire party’s order.

Drink up, folks!

But Was It A Svyturys ŠVYTURIO?

Dear Bartender: I met a nice guy tonight, from Lithuania. We were at a bar where there was 2-for-1 till 9PM. He never really seemed to grasp that his every other beer was free, and he kept tipping the bartender generously.

Anyway, after 2-for-1 was over, the bartender bought him a drink. That seemed reasonable to me. But the Lithuanian guy seemed put off by it — and tried to refuse.

What’s his deal? Is it a cultural thing??

– NYCer

Dear NYCer: Free = bad? Someone let the poor guy know he’s in America, for crying out loud.

Wikipedia offers little insight: just that Lithuania has the highest suicide rate in the world.

A recent (unrelated) study found that fat people are much less likely to kill themselves.

Americans, overall, are fat.

The man was not American.

Americans are not so good at math.

Does that help?

Baby Making

Dear Bartender: OK, unfair question, but there’s been so much buzz about this lately. Pretend you are pregnant, 10 years or so from now. Prenatal testing reveals your baby is likely to be gay because of the balance of hormones in your system. You can wear a patch on your belly to adjust your hormones, and your baby will likely not be gay.

It’s safe, well-tested.

What do you do?

– Mom2B

Dear Mom2B: How about this: Pretend it’s 40 years from now. You’ve just turned 30. You’re a married woman with three kids. You’re more or less reasonably content with your life. Then you find out that your Mom wore a patch that made you straight.

Would you forgive her?

A Pluralistic Society

Dear Bartender: I’m a newbie at Ask A Bartender… I bar-backed for 10 months, many years ago, at the Hi-Lo Club here in OKC, and then I moved on. I asked this question then, and I’m asking you now because I never did get a straight (!) answer.

What is the right way to refer to more than one “bourbon and Coke”?

I googled “bourbons and Coke,” “bourbon and Cokes” and “bourbons and Cokes” and found examples of people using all three!

(What can I say? I’m a linguist, fer criminy-sakes!)

Sincerely in Oklahoma City, OK, USA,

–hank

Dear hank: It gets even more complicated when you consider that some people order a single Stoli cranberry as a “Stolis and cranberries.” What’s up with that?

If I’m ordering two drinks which both are bourbon and Coke, I’ll ask for “Two bourbon Coke.” The same way I’ll order “Two Heinekin” or “Two fizzy water.”

But everyone’s different. Anyone want to weigh in?

Hoo-ha over Hoo-has

Dear Bartender: There’s a little hoo-ha going on between Andrew Sullivan and some breeder guy about whether or not gay bars discriminate against women and straight men. Care to enlighten us?

–Curious

Dear Curious: You’ve given me the opportunity to at last reveal to all my readers that their very own Mitchell works at a gay bar. Whew! Thank you, Curious, for allowing me to clear that up at long last! Maybe it puts some earlier posts in a new light. Maybe not.

Anyway, I’ve never kicked a woman out of my bar simply for being a woman. Or straight. Or even the shocking combination of being both. But that means neither that a) it doesn’t happen, or b) she belongs in a gay bar.

I’ve said before that women go to gay bars to be around men who aren’t trying to get in their pants. If we allowed one or two straight guys in they could ruin it for her pretty quick. You know, kind of like a controlled forest fire.

Some bars leave it to dress codes to more or less control who gets in. This doesn’t always work. I remember one time my sister came to find me at a leather bar; the doorman let her in, but stopped short of letting her (gay male) roommate in. Sometimes it just comes down to how tough you’re willing to be.

Martini Talk

Dear Bartender: When did it come into fashion for a martini to be “dry”?

Dear Drinker: When the end of Prohibition meant that people didn’t have to cover up the taste of their own homemade gin.

C’mon In, the Water’s Fine

Dear Bartender: You’ve heard of guys who are pee shy, yes?

Have you heard of the opposite?

I can’t tell you how difficult it is to stand there, my bladder about to burst, waiting forever in a public bathroom for someone to come in. It can be painful.

I have to plan my whole life around this. I don’t drink anything for five hours before I go to bed (I live alone). I stop at the train station on my way to work for some relief (if I’m lucky, it’s crowded) and again on the way home. On weekends I usually go to a Dunkin’ Donuts about ten minutes away. If I absolutely must I’ll go on a crowded street (that only happened once). And thankfully I’ve never resorted to a refreshing dip in the public swimming pool — though I won’t rule it out.

I know that this has got to stop.

Can you help?

Dear Pee Bold: Install a live webcam in your bathroom. I’ll even publish the URL here on this site if you want. I’m sure you’d find a lot of people happy to assist.

The Truth Will Out

Dear Bartender: How do I tell a friend that he’s kidding himself about his sexual orientation? HE IS SO NOT GAY.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not because he’s all “butch.” In fact, he’s totally gay-acting — at least around me. We both work in fashion, so I suppose there’s a lot of pressure at work to be “out.” I tried to broach the subject the other day by telling him that we should have an anti-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, but he just shrugged. I want him to be honest but I don’t want him to get fired!

He’s really shy and I think he has a girlfriend — not that I can get him to talk about it. I ask him what he did on the weekend and he just says that he spent some quality time with some friends.

How do I let him know he can confide in me? Do I just sit him down and say, “Sister, you’re straight”?

– Blaze

Dear Readers: I’ve been looking for just the right question to “turn the tables” and give to you to answer. I think I found it.