Tag, you’re it.

Dear Bartender: Do you fix a person’s tag that is standing up outside the shirt, dress, sweater, or whatever? I realize there are shades to this question: Where are you, how well do you know the person…

Do we need to create a chart of some sort? And if so, how do we get the word out to the people and enforce our findings?

Dear Tag: There’s an easy way to eliminate this problem entirely: Make it fashionable to have your tag sticking out. Kinda like having your collar up in the ’80s. It doesn’t have to be fashionable for long, just long enough so that, down the road, when you see someone’s tag sticking out, you can assume he’s being retro.

Teetotaling on the job

Dear Bartender: Is it possible for there to be a good bartender who doesn’t drink?

–Phoenix Rising

Dear Phoenix: Can there be a good pope who’s not Catholic?

Actually, yes, I imagine there are lots of non-Catholics who’d make good popes. But that doesn’t make it easy.

There’s no requirement for a bartender to drink on the job, or drink at all. Many bars, in fact, require their employees not to drink on the job. In those cases, would anyone know the difference if a bartender drank at all?

And yet… An excellent bartender is in rapport with his customers. That doesn’t mean he has to be a lush, but a non-drinking bartender would be wise to keep his non-drinking habit a secret. Bars are, after all, in the business of selling drinks. And the bartender sets the tone for the crowd.

I’d advise non-drinking bartenders to ward off any offers of shots with an offhand “My parole officer made me promise to only do shots with him.”

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Dear Bartender:

I’ve been single now for over a year and I’m beginning to think it’s no longer by choice. My last relationship lasted over 4 years, but sometimes I wonder if i’ll ever find myself back in another serious relationship. I don’t think i have trouble meeting people or going out on dates, but nothing seems to ever move beyond “casual.” Do you think there’s something wrong with me? I used to think of myself as a good catch, yet no one I meet ever seems interested in playing some serious ball. What do you think my problem is? Am I destined to be a single freak for the rest of my life?

–Alone in Left Field

Dear Alone: I want you to come over to my house, stand my kitchen window and tell me your story again, exactly as you told me above.

This won’t help your situation, but I’ve got some plants in my window box that could use the CO2.

Get a grip, dude. Finding a LTR is 100% dumb luck. All that hard work you’re doing? That comes after.

Dream Date

Dear Bartender: Hello from Paris!

I just started bar tending about 3 weeks ago. So far so good, and I am picking up the skill quickly (or so say my managers) I have been working long shifts and really focusing on my job, no girls, and very little drinking. After a week of doing the 5:00 pm to 3:00 AM shift I started having dreams that I was still serving people and working. I am standing behind the bar, taking orders, and dealing with customers that piss me off, just like work. It still happens nightly and I don’t know if this is common, rare, or just a phase. Let me know what you think.

–Andrew

Dear Andrew: Since the exact same thing happens to me after a busy shift at the bar, I’ll assume it’s common. I don’t think it’s unique to bartending, but perhaps it’s unique to diligence. (When I was a kid and obsessed with getting the highest score possible on Ms. Pac Man, I’d play that in my sleep, too.)

What finally cured me of the bartending dreams was this: As soon as I realize I’m dreaming, I pick up a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and smash it against the bar.

Unless you’re in the habit of doing that in real life, it tends to interrupt the pattern pretty efficiently.

Still Not A City In China

Dear Bartender: OK so I’m new at this. I didn’t realize that you were supposed to tip. So sue me. I’m only 21 and a half.

My problem is this: My local watering hole has a guy that I’ve NOT tipped in the past. Now, when I go and order a $5 beer and pay with a $20, he doesn’t give me singles; I get a $5 and a $10 back.

Is he trying to tell me something?

Dear Asshole: Yes. The two words you’re not hearing are “Fuck” and “Off.” I suggest you find a new bar.

Modern Love

Dear Bartender: The other day I ended up at a party at the apartment across the hall. Just sorta got roped into it. They’re having parties all the time but this is the first one I’d been invited to.

While I was there, a guy (who I think lives there but I’m not sure) grabbed me and introduced me to, in succession, 3 people he identified as “my boyfriend, my girlfriend, and my wife.”

Bartender, that’s what I want! How do I get me 3 of those?? Sounds perfect!!

– Single Mother

Dear Single: You have to do time in at least one of the three roles before you can graduate to commanding it from others. Seems only fair; to make these people happy, you gotta know what made YOU happy when the tables were turned.

I suggest you find a man with a boyfriend and a wife — and position yourself in the role of Girlfriend.

Once you’ve got enough experience, dump them and build your own little sexual empire.

Cocktail

Dear Bartender: I was musing today about movie slogans that are “so bad they’re good”, and I decided you in particular might be interested in my favorite. It’s from the Tom Cruise movie “Cocktail”: “When he pours, he reigns.” Can you think of a better (that is, worse) one?

Dear Tom Cruise Fan: No.