Toot Sweets

Dear Bartender: You’re a guy right? And you’ve probably had sex with a woman you care about somewhat, right? Not a one night stand but say, maybe, someone you’ve been having sex with for almost 9 months but without any form of commitment? And say this woman, who you’ve never known to be flatulent, suddenly, how shall we say it delicately, “has a moment of loss of control” and farts during sex? Is that the end of romance? Will sex ever be the same again? Especially if the relationship is tenuous???? I need to know what a guy thinks. Thanks.

–Pristene.

Dear Pristene: Yes, I am a guy. Whew. Thank goodness we can agree on that much. The rest we can pretend is irrelevant for now.

Farting during sex: that’s a nugget I’ll tuck away the next time I want to quickly end a one-night stand.

Ending a 9-month relationship will take some more imagination.

Unless, of course, the relationship was over already, and all that was missing was an exit cue. If he leaves you, Pristine, because of your momentary loss of below-the-belly-button control, take heart that he would have left you very soon anyway.

I’d say your bigger worry right now is whether your fart actually turned him on.

The Other Woman

Dear Bartender: Have to tell you, I enjoy your sense of humor and advice. I stumbled upon your site in the wee hours of the morning, after awakening and worrying about my new position and career in bartending.

I am a 50 year old female that has re-entered the work force after raising three children. Over those years I did work here and there, but not as a bartender. I did go to a bartending school and then landed a perfect starting job. I have been appreciative of getting it and eager to learn all I can.

The place I work is a private club that has one bartender but needs additional help two days a week and for occasional private parties. This suits me fine. In fact, so far everything is great except for the other bartender.

Going into this field, my concern was dealing with the customers, as in mean, rude, drunk, etc. My thinking was that would be the worst aspect of the job. So far, that has not been the case. My problem is with the other bartender. The training part of the job is over. But the other bartender has control issues, for lack of another way to term it. For example, when opening and closing, instead of splitting duties down the middle she will delegate….step by step. At first, I thought, OK…I am in training. But then it carried to behind the bar and in front of customers. She will criticize me for the speed at which I make a drink and the quantity of liquor I put in a drink, right in the middle of the rush and while customers are lined up and can hear. She will give me a “command” like “get to the kitchen” when something there needs to be done. I feel this undermines any respect I might have or will earn from a customer. I feel that this is disrespectful to me, as a bartender. If she, as a training bartender, has an issue she should pull me aside and discuss this, but not in front of a customer.

I am a novice here in this field. The other bartender is in her mid-20s and a part time college student. She was taught bartending by a previous bartender and this is her first job as a bartender. Is this a case of the blind leading the blind?

Thanks!

–ChessChamp

Dear ChessChamp: This kid is creating an unacceptable working environment. Fuck her. Who does she think she is? Send her to me and I’ll give her a stern talking to.

I have a boss who gets like this, too, sometimes. Thankfully I’ve got a good enough relationship with his boss that I can ignore him completely. If you can get yourself into a similar arrangement, I recommend it. Meanwhile, the next time it’s mad busy and she criticizes the way you’re doing things, stop what you’re doing and ask her — sincerely, as if you were really curious — to do it herself, so you can watch and learn.

Do this every time and she’ll soon back off.

Birthday Greetings, Bottle of Wine

Dear Bartender: I would like to share with you and your readers my secrets to staying (and looking!) young. I still can turn the eyes of the girls, and I’m proud of it. And only six gray hairs! (not counting the ones in my nose.)

First: moisturize. (Thank you, ex-wife, for teaching me this. Too bad that’s all I got from the marriage, but that’s another story.) Second: do not ignore the eyebrows! Third: get a dog (good exercise!). Fourth: go to sleep every night with mayonnaise on your face and a raisin on your nose! Seriously. Well, OK, not seriously but actually I haven’t tried it so who knows???!!

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT: Don’t drink, eat well, never sleep late and keep a sunny disposition!

– You’d Never Know I’m Over Sixty-Four! Try it and See!

Dear Old Man: If I go to sleep every night with a raisin on my nose will that be enough to counterbalance that I drink, sleep in on Sundays, frequently have a lousy outlook on life and, uh, I leave my eyebrows in the care of Mom Nature? If not, then I will very much look forward to being an old-looking man with bushy eyebrows and a raisin on his nose.

Who’s with me?

On the House

Dear Readers: Last Monday I bartended at a private party. One of the guests (as I was trying to make ten drinks at once) insisted on asking me what I did besides tend bar. “Are you an actor, model, what?” When I told him that I bartend, that’s all, he pushed harder. “No, no. What do you really do?”

“I’m a movie star, but that’s just my day job — until I can get my really big break tending bar! Wish me luck!!”

What did he think I was gonna say?

Since he wasn’t going to believe that I’m a bartender (as I made his drink), I caved and told him I’m a writer. That was enough for him to forge on: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot this week and I want you in my shoot.”

My question to you readers — and it’s kind of like Match Game! — is this: Since it didn’t seem to matter to this bozo that I’m not a fashion model, what should I have said? What would have been the best profession for him to have ignored in his effort to get to his point: that no matter what I say, I’m exactly what he thinks I am?

First nominee: Me: “I’m a serial killer.” Him: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot…”

I Got My Education

Dear Bartender: Do you need a GED for bartending school? And how long does it take to be bartender? I am very interested in bartending. I love people and I love being busy and I also love to talk so I was just wondering that question.

Dear High School Dropout:  The legal requirements for bartending vary from state to state, and from country to country. As you neglected to tell me where you’re from I’ll deal with the more urgent matter: A good bartender doesn’t talk; he listens.

Look on the Sunny Side

Dear Bartender: Can you tell me what is in a cocktail that is made “over easy”? I am taking bartending classes and this is a question on a take home quiz and I cannot find this answer anywhere.

Thank you.

–Diane

Dear Diane: Should you become a bartender, it’s true that people will, from time to time, order strange cocktails. It’s highly likely that, no matter how hard you study, someone, eventually, will order a drink you never heard of. My favorite thing to do, when that happens, is to smile apologetically and say, “Gosh, I haven’t made that drink in years. The last time somebody ordered it was someone’s great-grandma’s 100th birthday party. Do you remember what’s in it?”

100% of the time, the customer will have no idea. He or she will then retreat and order a Cape Cod.

This isn’t much help on your take-home quiz, though, is it? Who came up with this quiz?

My research tells me that a cocktail “over easy” is one of the following:

a. Vodka, orange juice, cream, soda, lime juice;
b. Rum, orange juice, sour mix, soda water;
c. Vodka, soda, sour, orange juice; or
d. Whiskey, orange juice, cream.

If I were your teacher, I’d give an A+ to any student who wrote in “all of the above.”

P&P

Dear Bartender: I am hosting a party for about 40-50 people and have been requested to make a pear and pomegranate martini. I was told the recipe was Absolut Pear vodka and pomegranate juice and some lime. I have no idea what I am doing. Can you help? The party is tonight.

Thanks.

Dear Helpless Hostess: I have good news for you: you’re going to be drunk at your own party tonight. Why? Because you’re going to go out right now and buy bottles of pear vodka, Cointreau, pomegranate liqueur, pomegranate juice and fresh limes and keep mixing until you get something drinkable for your guests later.

Why? Because a pear and pomegranate martini is whatever combination of the above you want it to be.

My advice: use more vodka and less of the pomegranate than you think.

Closing Time

Dear Bartender: The bar down the street is closing down and I recently purchased all of the open bottles behind the bar (150 or so) and all the bottles have plastic pour spouts on them… very few come with caps. They are the cheap plastic spouts, too.

My question: How long will the bottles keep? Should I invest in some screw caps?

–Dan in Phoenix

Dear Dan: Those bottles will last as long as you can refrain from drinking them. Screw caps might help if, when you’re too drunk, you’re gonna knock them over and spill. Otherwise, my only suggestion is to put those bottles on a high, high shelf — one that you can’t get to without dexterity — and hope for the best.

Cocktailing

Dear Bartender: I hope I don’t sound like my life is a Simpsons episode, but my husband seems to spend an awful lot of time in bars. His favorite is this disgusting place I would never set foot into without a hazmat suit. I used to think he was actually sneaking around, having an affair, but I had him followed by a co-worker and, sure enough, he was spending all his time in that bar. (He apparently has a lot of “drinking buddies” there.)

Bartender, what is so attractive about that place? Now even my co-worker, the one who I had follow him, thinks it’s a great bar — he goes there almost every day! He sees my husband more than I do!! Maybe I should call up his wife to comiserate?!

What am I missing here?

–Wife In Name Only

Dear WINO: Definitely call up your co-worker’s wife. Marriage is no substitute for having friends. Your husband apparently has already figured that out.

Gone Daddy Gone

Dear Bartender: Well it seems I’ve stepped into one of the most vile bounds of the relationship game. About a month ago I ended a 4-year relationship. Since the breakup I’ve been seeing one of her friends (and yes we’ve slept together). To be fair though I’ve known her and have hooked up with her (the current friend of the ex) before I ever met the ex. So basically, am I going to hell?

– Stevie Brooklyn

Dear Stevie: First, Dear Everyone: my apologies to readers who’ve written in and to whom I’ve not responded. Hotmail is spamming mail on me like crazy. Even Stevie Brooklyn’s letter was junked. Junked! It’s a valid question, involving themes we’ve touched on here before, including sex, dating, girlfriends and men who are terrified that women are running their lives. Can’t those hotmail loonies figure that out?

If I’ve neglected a question out there, please re-send. Some of you may be thirsty for advice. Some of you just might be thirsty. If that’s the case, I’ve made some extra kamikaze shots. On the house. Really.

So, Stevie, your question: Are you going to hell? No. Not unless your ex has discovered the ability to send you there. You and your ex are done. Finished. No more. Why you think she should have any say in your love life now is just dumb. She may think differently but, like I said, you and she are done. There’s no “there” there. Got that?

Your new girlfriend and your ex will have their own issues to work out, like whether they can still be friends or resist comparing notes on your shortcomings. None of that should obscure the main point: An ex is ex is ex.

Don’t invite her the wedding.

Bitte

Dear Bartender: Hello, I found your Blog by total accident while websurfing on deployment, gotta say; “Dude, it rocks!!! So, thanks for doing what you do.”

Anyway, I joined the military three years ago, and was stationed in Germany. I didn’t drink ’till I discovered Beamish, Guinness, HeffeWiesen. I’ve changed my tune a little and have decided that beer is a great thing.

Here’s my problem. It’s hard enough to find a local pub back home in Cali that serves Guinness, much less Beamish. What micro-breweries can you suggest that specialise in a good strong lager that most closely resembles my favorite beer: Beamish!

Not to hate on American beer, but after three years of great-tasting, thick, heady, savory beer, a Coors or Bud light just doesn’t “do it” for me. You know?

Anyhow, hope you’re still actively running the Blog so I can benefit from your wisdom.

Roger the “Doc”

Dear Doc: As I’m sitting here right now enjoying a Bitburger, I can’t disagree with you. There’s fantastic beer brewed in micro-breweries in the U.S. but, alas, micro-breweries are, by definition, local. Still, as far as national brands go, you gotta cut us Yanks some slack. The Beamish & Crawford Brewery has been making beer since 1500 A.D. We’ll be playing catch-up for a while. And American beer, as you probably have figured out by now, has by law half the alcohol content of most beers in Europe. We’re dancing as fast as we can.

Recommending some good local beers will be difficult, as I live in New York, not California. I can tell you that Brooklyn Lager is really good but that doesn’t get you out of your predicament, does it?

Tell you what: I’ll put a few calls out to some West Coast friends for some help. Stay tuned.

PS: It’s not just the beer that had an effect on you in Europe. You may not have noticed but you came home spelling funny.