A League of Her Own

Dear Bartender: There’s a guy I have a crush on, but I’m way out of his league. Wait–before you say “Wha?” let me explain. I’ve dated guys beneath me before and it always goes wrong! All they can talk about is how beautiful I am, how they never thought they’d get a girl like me, how all their friends are soooooo jealous.

It gets dull. Fast.

When I’ve dated guys equally or more attractive than me, there’s not a problem. Then, we just talk about the things everyone else talks about, like celebrity nose jobs and reality TV.

Please don’t dismiss me as vain; I’m only telling it like is (like you, do Mitch!).

So, my question: When (if) I approach this out-of-my-league guy, how can I delicately suggest some grooming improvement without making him think I don’t find him attractive? All I want is some decent conversation! Is that even, like, possible these days?

–Cincinnati

Dear Cincinnati: Let’s say you are as attractive as you think you are. You’re right, you’ll get nowhere with this guy. He’ll be too overcome with excitement that you’ve even deigned to look at him to do anything but wet his pants. If you can manage to convince him that you’re not a hooker who’s lost her john, when he finally unknots his tongue you’ll hear nothing but the blather you’re trying so hard to avoid.

I think you should approach him with your nose scotch-taped to your forehead. After all, don’t we want him to love you for your inner beauty?

Teach Your Children

Dear Bartender: I’ve noticed that you seem to know a lot about 20th Century popular music. My Phonics teacher wants us to come up with the tellingest lyrics from every decade of the last 50 years. I’m stuck on the 70s and 80s. Can you help?

Dear Student: Uh, your Phonics teacher? Really? My Phonics teacher wanted me to do colored SRA cards; if she’d wanted me to assess the lyrics of popular music, I surely woulda gotten a better grade. Though at the time I might have been inclined to assess the lyrics to “Thriller” more generously than I will do now.

If you’re stuck on the 70s and 80s, you’ve successfully procured the “tellingest” lyrics from the 60s, 90s, and the aughts. Our readers surely want to know what those are. Please don’t hold out.

Meanwhile, I’ve long since thought the most telling lyric of the 70s was from David Bowie’s “Station to Station”: It’s not the side effects of the cocaine/I’m thinking that it must be love.

As far as the 80s go, it’s hard to beat Duran Duran’s: Don’t say you’re easy on me/You’re about as easy as a nuclear war.

If you’re currently studying Phonics, you probably don’t know who either David Bowie or Duran Duran is. No tragedy on the latter; but as far as the former is concerned, honey, you’re missing out.

What You Don’t Know

Dear Bartender: Assuming you know the answer to this, how many dates with a guy before I’m allowed to Google him?

Dear Stalker: I’m flattered that you would assume I know the answer to your question. For the record, I know everything. Most bartenders do. Or, at least, that’s the idea. Sometimes I forget what’s in an Alabama Slammer but the rest of the time I’m a pretty good resource.

The correct time to Google your date is after the marriage proposal but before you give your answer.

Comeuppance See Me Sometime

Dear Bartender: I am currently doing research for a paper about the industry’s wealth of incompetent and/or sexually deviant bar owners, and am finding it hard to see how people who are putting up with a bad bar owner can act, other than quit. I work for an asshole, someone with little experience in the field, who has just gotten a divorce, and who is trying to bring the place down as fast as he’s falling, and don’t know what I can do, other than harm the other bartenders at the place who rely on their jobs for rent.

Have you any stories about bad bar owners who have received their comeuppance? I haven’t heard of it yet…

PS, love the site, you’re providing a necessary service.

–Nick

Dear Nick: Bad bar owners who’ve found their comeuppance are like unicorns: we’ve all heard of them, but dernit if we’ve ever seen one in person. Bar managers are even worse. I’ve endured a few. Does the stress of owning a bar make bar owners crazy? Or do only crazy people open bars?

Alas, as far as I know, you can either endure them, or quit.

But it’s this paper of your that fascinates me. I love how you’ve married incompetence and sexual deviance. Is there a connection between the two that I never knew about? And what compels these sexually deviant/incompetent people to open up bars? What kind of research are you doing? How bad is your boss? What’s his sexual deviance??

Don’t leave us hanging, Nick. Tell us more!

Across the Pond

Dear Bartender: I recently visited London and went to a lot of pubs, bars and clubs. On the first night, I left a tip for the bartender. He looked confused. A friend of mine who lives there told me it is not customary to tip bartenders in the UK. I also noticed others were not tipping.

I was uncomfortable not tipping, so I kept tipping anyway.

Did I do the right thing?

–Confused American

Dear Tourist: No.

Though I sympathize. Habits are a bitch to break. Even good habits. But steel yourself and resist the urge to tip where it’s not customary.

And extend a tiny bit of sympathy to the next Brit you see stiff an Yankee drinkslinger.

Return to Sender

Dear Bartender: If someone tells me my dog is cute, do I have to tell them that their dog is cute, too? I feel stupid, even if their dog is cute. But then again I don’t want to say something even stupider like “Oh, and your dog has good posture” or “Guess you’re pretty happy with his breath.”

My dog happens to be very cute so this happens all the time.

Dear Girl with Cute Dog: No, you don’t have to return the compliment. Just say “Thanks.” If you must say more, just ask for the name.

This also would work when someone tells you you’re a good lay. I’m just saying.

Match Game, Pt 10

Dear Readers: We’re overdue for another round of Match Game.

 

My mother is having a hard time understanding why I need three computers. I told her: one is for work, one is personal and I need the third one for [BLANK].

 

On the House

Dear Readers: Again I will share the search engine terms you’re using to find this site. I will always be amazed at how wonderful you people are, and how fucking imaginative. Here are your search terms:

HOMEMADE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FROM LISTERINE
OLIVE GARDEN GIVES HERPES
MY WIFE WANTS ME TO SLEEP WITH HER SISTER
AIN’T NO RIVER WIDE IN OFF
PREGNANT BARTENDING
“SPIN THE BOTTLE” “MY SISTER” “MY GIRLFRIEND”
IS BARTENDING OK WITH GOD?
HOW TO SHAVE YOUR CROTCH CORRECTLY
NANCY PELOSI NIPPLE
TRANNIES WITH ANIMALS

So turn to the tranny next to you, the one with the animal who has a nipple that looks like Nancy Pelosi pregnant, and ask yourself the important question (the one that’s gnawing at me right now): Is bartending OK with God or what?!

Reboot!

Dear Bartender: Perhaps you’ve run out of questions to answer, and that’s why you keep posting the same ones. So here’s a new one!

I recently found out I was pregnant through a home pregnancy test. The morning after drinking a very old bottle (I think I bought it was imported in the 70s) of absinthe, I awoke with morning sickness, and took the exam. I failed! Since then, I have tried to curb my alcoholic intake. It has been rough these past 11 months, but I think that I’m getting the hang of it. Ever since last November when I got that little blue plus symbol, I have been anxiously preparing for the little critter.

For the past two months or so, I’ve been getting a little worried. See, I’ve heard that pregnancies are only supposed to last nine months, and I’m well beyond that. I looked all over your site for an answer, but couldn’t find it. So my questions is this: what is the expiration date on a pregnancy?

Thanks in advance,
Bruce

Dear Readers: Now that’s more fucking like it.

I Got My Education, Pt 2

Dear Bartender: Alright, my neighbor recently passed away and I just was given a box of his whiskey and brandy bottles that he was unable to drink because of a medical condition – these bottles have never been opened, but they date back to 1954 (at least, that’s what the import label reads). I searched your site for “expiration” and didn’t come up with a suitable answer that related to my situation.

Are these safe to drink?

Is there a potential the alcohol has turned to vinegar?

Assuming they are safe: Is there a good test to tell if they have gone bad?

Cheers,
Nick

Dear Friendly People: You’re all putting me on, right? If you didn’t believe me the first three times I answered this question, why should I assume you’ll believe me now?

Drink the fucking brandy already.

Novice

Dear Bartender: I am sorry I am a novice when it comes to liquor. If you can please help me, I have an open bottle of Malibu Rum in the fridge. I am not quite sure how old it is, but I am sure it is at least 6 months old. My question is; has it/will it expire? I searched the bottle but found no date of expiration. I also searched the net, but came up empty handed. So I thought I would ask an expert. Thank you inadvance!

Cheers,

Tracy

Dear Tracy: I answered this question already.