Hey Nineteen

Dear Bartender: You may not want to answer this question, but I’m going to ask it anyway. I’m a mature 19 year-old who enjoys a good drink, even more so when it’s in the company of like-minded people, in a public watering hole of my choice. Alas, I have yet to reach the legal drinking age in my state. That’s where you come in.

You must have noticed, over the years, what gives underage drinkers away — and I’m not talking about the way they look, necessarily, seeing as when I go out I see 40 year-olds desperately trying to look fifteen. I’m talking about other, less obvious clues that make you say, “Uh, hey, before I give you that whiskey sour, let me see some I.D.”

If you can help, I promise never to betray your trust by driving home drunk and killing someone.

Sincerely,

Jamie

Dear You Take Me For A Fool: Let’s start with that whiskey sour. The only drink that screams “card me” more than that is a Long Island Iced Tea. That said, why should I help you? For all I know you’re an underage cop looking to shut me down. Do what the rest of us did when we were your age: raid you dad’s liquor cabinet, or just sniff some glue.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Dear Bartender: Thanks for the drink. My company is putting together a list of holiday songs for their holiday party. I don’t want to be the one who puts “Christmastime is Here” from Charlie Brown and I don’t want to be the one who puts “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” on it either. I’ve trusted your taste in music in the past, so I’m reaching out to you… What are some good, non-run-of-the-mill holiday (doesn’t have to be Christmas, could be New Year’s) songs?

Thanks!

–I Can’t Believe It’s Almost December

Dear December: Christmas music can get oppressive. We have to get creative if we want to make sure everyone’s having a good time. Not every song that works in December is about Christmas, either; there are a lot of great songs out there that are just about winter, or snow, or freezing to death.

I’ve collected a bunch of up- and off-beat Christmas songs over the years. Check out one or two of these:

Dinah Washington, “Make Me A Present Of You”;
Billie Holiday, “I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm”;
Benny Goodman, “Winter Weather”;
Peggy Lee, “Happy Holiday”;
James Brown, “Christmas Is Love” or “Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto”;
Betty, “Miracles Can Happen” (featuring lines like “I saw the Virgin Mary at Jenny Craig/She said I’d lost some weight”);
Ella Fitzgerald, “Good Morning Blues” or “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”

Christmas music used to attract serious songwriters, long before “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.” Thank Baby Jesus that Rhino Records brought a lot of it back.

Duke Ellington’s reinvention of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite is also worth checking out. And you’re welcome for the drink.

Drink up, folks

Dear Bartender: A good friend of mine is a bartender. We’ve been friends since childhood. I stood best man at his wedding. Anyway, he recently build a bar at home and fully stocked it. I would like to get him a gift, a nice bottle of whisky or brandy, but he’s got more variations than I can name. And if you haven’t guessed already I’m a novice when it comes to bartending.

Anyway, here a pic of his home bar. Do you see a worthwhile bottle that he doesn’t have? I would like to keep it under 100 bucks.

–Redwing

Dear Redwing: A home bar doesn’t need variety; it needs quantity. Those bottles aren’t for show, you know. Get him a bottle of whatever’s almost gone. From the pic I’d say it’s either Maker’s Mark of Johnny Walker Green. Count your blessings that he doesn’t have a near-empty bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, since you want to keep it under budget.

Then show your support by telling him every drink he makes is delicious, even if it’s with the cheap stuff. And one last part that should be easy: remember not to tip someone who serves drinks in his own home.

Now: Does anyone want to send the bartender a nice old-fashion question about a slutty priest?

Just Smile and Nod

Dear Bartender: I’ve done some research on bartending schools. I live in sacramento, and supposedly one of the better ones is ABC Bartending School. I’m thinking about becoming a bartender as a part time job. Maybe do it as I get through college. I will be going to New Zealand next year, and I think being a bartender will increase my options of getting a job.

Question: Is ABC a good school? Theres thousands of drinks, am I expected to memorize all 40,000? Do you know if New Zealand would hire an American bartender if hes just working there on a Visa for a year?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME
-Michael

Dear Readers: I’m going to let you in on a secret: sometimes we bartenders don’t really listen to your questions. Sometimes we just answer as if we were listening, saying things like, “I’m sure she won’t hate you forever” or “Yeah, I’m a big fan, too.” Even our vast knowledge and patience are ultimately finite.

Michael: I’m sure she won’t hate you forever.

Family Time

Dear Bartender: I really don’t know what your website is about or if this is the kind of question that you welcome, but here goes.

I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my entire family (about 20 or so people) and I would love to spice up our post-dinner visiting with some yummy sweet coffee with a kick type of drink. Here is the problem, I’m a light-weight. I rarely drink and when I do I usually have ONE drink. I don’t have any idea what would make a good coffee drink. I do love the sweet drinks and tend to enjoy drinks with amaretto, Kahlua, and Bailey’s Irish creme.

Do you any recipe suggestions that would be coffee-based, sweet, tasty, and not too strong?

I would appreciate any help you can offer.

Thanks.

–Heather

Dear Lightweight: I’m going to do what I do best and get you and your whole family smashed, on a variation on a mudslide: three parts Stoli Vanilla, one part Patron Café, two parts Bailey’s Irish Creme, give or take on the measurements on all of the above.

It’s coffee based, sweet, and strong as Atlas. You didn’t really want me to give you a recipe for a weak drink, did you? Thanksgiving is not a holiday known for moderation.

Don’t touch me there

Dear Bartender: I have an unhealthy (I think) penchant for rubbing up against others. What do you call that? I get a wonderful thrill “accidentally” making contact with strangers on a train and bumping into people in a crowded bar. Is this okay?

–Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Dear Rub: You, my dear, are a 302.89, a frotteur. Frotteurism is different from frottage in that the first (your kind) is non-consensual. More casually called “groping,” you might find that this is a criminal offense, if only (usually) a misdemeanor.

I’m always happy to champion sexual deviancy. Priority is given, however, to deviancies that involve consenting adults. I don’t know if your “accidents” involve minors, but as they involve unwitting participants I will instead just tell you to get a grip.

Uh, let me re-phrase that: Rub-a-dub-dub, control yourself.

The Other Woman, Pt Infinity

Dear Bartender: Here’s the deal. Are you ready for this? My husband has a mistress. That’s not the problem. I’ve been braced for my husband taking a lover since my mother sat me down thirty years ago and told me this would happen. I accepted it long ago. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the bitch being uglier than me.

I am fifty-five. This woman — this THING — is sixty if she’s a day. It’s possible she’s fifty-nine but either way I’m wondering if I should be insulted that my man would take such an unattractive lover as an alternative to — of all things — me: a woman who likes to think of herself as reasonably well preserved.

What, if anything, am I missing?

– Wifey

Dear Daughter: Your mother was right to warn you this might happen. But she neglected to fill in the particulars.

The middle-aged man who strays — assuming he is otherwise reasonably happily married — is not selecting his mistress with the intention of insulting his wife. Your husband does not want to be found out, presumably, so how could he have chosen this woman specifically to insult you? Your husband was vulnerable to this woman’s charms — and I don’t care, since you were about to ask, if he approached her or she approached him. Men of a certain age are vulnerable; woman are vulnerable their whole lives, you’re used to it, so don’t assume you know what it’s like to have such a state surprise you just when you think you have your world under control.

Your decision now is whether you want to wait it out or leave him. You could, of course, confront him on the affair — but be careful: any sane man, given the choice, will pick the woman who has humiliated him less.

In vino veritas

Dear Bartender: So. I had a disagreement with the owner of my favorite neighborhood bar. I behaved badly and my favorite bartender got caught in the middle. What is the appropriate mea culpa, apology, compensation for the bartender?

–truth-teller eating crow

Dear Crow Eater: I’m assuming you’re still allowed in your favorite bar; that’s a good sign that things aren’t so bad. And you feel humbled; that’s also good. Most people in bars are quick to lay blame on everyone but themselves. It’s vaguely possible that alcohol has something to do with this clouding of their judgment.

As for your favorite bartender: don’t sweat it too much. Good bartenders have more patience than a pregnant elephant. Next time you see him, say something like, “Thank you for putting up with me. It means more than you know, and it’s a lot more than I can say for my wife, my kids, my boss… even my mother.”

Admit it: it’s probably true.

Then sit down and order your favorite drink. And don’t get him in trouble again.

With a schmear

Dear Bartender: I really like this cute girl who works behind the counter at the cafe at my gym. She’s really sweet and always puts extra peanut butter on my onion bagel. Once, they were even down to their last onion bagel and she put it aside for me!

Is she in love with me or what?

–Is a Girl, Likes Girls

PS I have a problem with depression. 

Dear Girl Who Likes Girls: Risking as I am making you more depressed, this girl is flirting with you; that’s all. Enjoy it, accept the extra peanut butter and the occasional saved-for-you bagel, and by all means flirt back. But anyone who thinks a friendly service person is actually hitting on her is in for a disappointment.

There’s a reason friendly people choose the service industry and not, say, the assembly line.