Dear Bartender: I have noticed that you seem to know a lot about music, so I am hoping that you can help me with a little problem. I recently heard a song and it keeps running through my head, and I can’t figure out the title. It goes something like this: Daaahhh Dum, dah dah dah deeee dum. Do you know the name of this song?
Dee Dee
Dear Dee Dee: Thanks, now I have the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” stuck in my head.
Dear Bartender: I was recently put into the unfortunate role of bar room snitch at one of my standard local watering holes. It was a Friday night and a few members of the kindergarten crew in the bar, those just barely 21 years old or those underage that snuck in somehow, were packing bottles from 6-packs bought at the deli across the street in their jeans and jacket pockets with no intention of buying drinks from the bar. At some random bar I might turn a blind eye, but as a frequent regular of this neighborhood establishment I felt it was my civic duty to inform the doorman of this outrageous infraction by which he responded by bouncing the youthful culprits, naturally to much protest. Am I a shameful rat or a righteous whistleblower (a la Serpico)?
Sincerely,
StevieBrooklyn
Dear Stevie: Right on, whistleblower. You disappointed nobody but the pedophiles. These kids should be home sniffing glue — not clogging up bars. Don’t feel guilty about it. The way I see it, these kids would be just as quick to chase you out if you crashed one of their parties, unless you were, by chance, the guy in the clown suit with the twisty balloons he can turn into animals.
Dear Bartender: As a bartender this must be the most common thing you hear: I have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She will make the perfect wife/mother. She is very caring and loves me more than anyone else. But we are only 24. I feel the urge to have sex with other women as I want to experience all that life has to offer. I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but still want to fuck other women. My girlfriend is the jealous type and would never understand something like this. She would not believe that I could satisfy my sex drive with other women, while still being intimately in love with her. One day I want us to get married and have children. But I realize my sex drive will only last so long and do not want to regret it passing me by. I don’t want to be deceitful or hurt her. I don’t want to resent her. How do I reconcile sex and love?
Dear Wants It All: First things first. Your girlfriend is not the “jealous type.” The correct way to describe a girlfriend who doesn’t want her man fucking other women is “female.” You’re not the first man to have this problem.
Mother Nature designed men and women with the proliferation of the species in mind, not your personal satisfaction. Man is born wanting to spread his seed; woman is born seeking to secure a safe haven for her young. That these two things are in conflict is the reason Hollywood has produced an excess of romantic comedies.
In short, you want what every other male on the planet wants: to fuck around without consequence. Sadly, it don’t work that way — the occasional exceptions notwithstanding. (Many gay male couples — ones who have come to grips with evolutionary reality — have enduring relationships that are less than monogamous, to give one example.) It’s unlikely you’re going to get all the sex you want without going behind your gf’s back.
The alternative is to wait until she gets restless — it happens around age 35 — and broker a deal, tit for tat. But by that time, alas, your sex drive will be on the downhill side of Mount Everybody.
Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor.
Dear Bartender: What is it about dating in NYC??? Recently, I was having a meaningful evening with a date and he spent the entire evening across the table, texting his friends. Don’t you think this is extremely RUDE! Oh, and the worst part was that we were having sex at the time. Thoughts?
Signed,
IM Sad
Dear Sad: The next time you’re having sex with someone, it would be useful to let him know. Send him a text, maybe. Or hit him on the head with your princess phone.
Dear Bartender: A friend and I will be attending a surprise 60th birthday party this weekend for a male. Wanted to bring something other than wine, because we’re certain that’s what everyone else will be bringing. Any ideas for a nice liquor that would be appreciated by a male? Thank you.
–Buffalo Partygoers
You haven’t given me much to go on, just that your friend is 1) male, and 2) 60. Well, OK, you’ve also indicated that he has enough friends to merit a surprise birthday party. So I suppose I can make an educated guess as to what your friend might like.
Get him a bottle of Grand Mariner.
Dear Bartender: A quick one for you… “The road to hell is paved with ___________.”
Dear Curious: I dunno. Pavement? I’m gonna let the readers handle this one. Weigh in, folks.
Dear Bartender: Hi, I’m a 26 year old guy, with gf and also a daughter. I love to watch every type of porn… also gay porn and I get very horny. Now, I have a friend (straight with gf) who is 20 yr old… He is very cute and sexy and I really really fancy him. I wish to give him good blow job! When we are alone in the car we always speak about sex and girls… When we are on d net we always speak about sex and he often sends me porn pics. Sometimes he sends me pics and I start to jerk online … I tell him that I’m jerking and he continues send me pics. Also sometimes he start asking me questions about my sex relations and I know that he is jerking on the other side because he continues asking me to enter in details. He also tells me what his gf to do him in sex and also asks me abt my gf. We went abroad together and we slept near each other, and 1 time there was porn on tv and I started jerking in front of him. He started to mention to me the girls that I like and I told him to stop because I was going to cum but he continued to telling me hot things and also doing noises… He started to jerk too but not showing like me. For example I got nude in front of him out of shower and I noticed that he was looking to my cock… One time I came out of the shower with a hard cock and he continued to watch. Or I had my cock hard under the panties and I received a telephone call… He was near me and he hit with his hand (joking??) my hard cock. But he never showed me his…
Every night we text each other and last night I told him that I’m not going to wrk anymore with him…and he told me that he is going to miss me etc.
I’m very confused abt my and his feelings and what should I do!
Dear Confused: You should suck his dick. Duh. Don’t worry if it will make you gay. You already wear panties and use “fancy” as a verb. I’d say at this point you’re in a free-fall.
