Don’t let your left hand know…

Dear Bartender: I got married fifteen months ago. On my honeymoon, I was surprised to hear my husband tell me that I was no longer allowed to masturbate. I’ll admit that I agreed to this at the time — but mostly because we were then regularly having sex.

Since then, sex has become infrequent. Am I obliged to abide by his rules?

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: Masturbation is not to be confused with infidelity. While there may be circumstances under which a spouse may legitimately request limits on his partner’s masturbation (I’m thinking of a non-cheating spouse who masturbates but denies her husband sex), to masturbate is not to cheat. It doesn’t matter whom you think about when you masturbate; it’s not the same as cheating.

My opinion is this: If masturbation doesn’t get in the way of a healthy sex life with your husband, he has no business telling you not to do it.

Blame Canada

Dear Bartender: Please help me. I need to “break up” with my ex-husband.

We divorced two years ago but he still seems to think we are married. There are no kids involved, and we dissolved all joint property last year (thank god!). Nevertheless, he calls me every day and thinks that just because we occasionally have sex once or twice a month that we are still “a couple.”

This is seriously getting in the way of me keeping a boyfriend. My last potential b.f. surprised me one morning showing up with a picnic basket and a whole day of sex planned. My ex-husband had just spent the night and subsequently was hiding in my hall closet! I admit it turned me on knowing he could see us through the door but I was terrified that he would get hurt if my b.f. found out. I don’t wish this man any ill, I just wish he’d go away.

Please don’t tell me to stop having sex with him. Tho the marriage wasn’t great, there was nothing wrong with the sex. (Is there anything, ever, wrong with sex?)

Just need some advice.

Sincerely,

TMJ

Dear Sex Addict: I would never steer you away from great sex. Christ, from the sound of your letter I could hardly peel you from it with a hot spatula.

Yet you’re clearly stuck. It’s not your husband who can’t let go — it’s you. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you actually don’t have a problem, that you’re pretty happy with the way things are. You only need to set one or two boundaries. My suggestion: handcuff him to the bedroom radiator and make him watch as you fuck whatever crosses your threshold. You will drive him crazy — and toying with his emotions is clearly what gets you off.

Yet again

Dear Readers: I got the following two letters recently:

Dear Bartender: So, Saturday night I went to a bar with a group of friends and I decided to buy a round of drinks. I’m usually a nice customer and I asked the bartender to take a shot with me and tipped him well after he closed my tab.

I asked for his name and I told him mine. He then told me that he is moving to a different bar and will be working there Tues and Wed. I asked if he was going to remember me if I go visit and he said yes.

Is he working me to become a regular customer or was he interested?

And the 2nd letter:

Dear Bartender: About a month and a half ago I was introduced to a bartender at the bar where my coworkers and I were having drinks. I’d always assumed that his flirty attitude was him simply “doing his job.” Recently though he suggested I go to a bar where he was going after work. i asked if the place was worth going to, and he replied I will be there so of course it was worth going to. I went and we spent most of the night talking, sharing our life stories, he introduced me to some of his friends, and anytime he would leave he would assure me that he would be right back. I am still quite apprehensive simply because he is a bartender.

Is he really interested?

So, Readers, I was tempted to simply say that I’ve answered this question before (and not just once, either) — but then I read the second letter more carefully.

People: Bartenders flirt. Enjoy it. Have fun. By all means, flirt back. But it’s a safe bet in the end he’s not trying to sleep with you.

I gotta admit, however, that if he invites you out to another bar, one he doesn’t work at, and spends the entire night exchanging life stories and introducing you to his friends — you may indeed have found your next squeeze.

Holds barred

Dear Bartender: I’ve been interested in bartending for a very long time now but always have been too afraid to try because I felt I would never be able to handle the drinks. But I’ve finally applied and have a trial shift at a very nice place. I love talking to people, asking questions and listening to their long answers, hearing their views on things…

Can you give me any advice on how to be a successful beginner bartender and prove to the management that I am the right person for the job? I’m not in this just to make lots of money or to get free drinks or meet attractive men. It just seems like a good job to talk to lots of different people in a laid-back environment.

I hope this message doesn’t sound too stupid. You’re a very witty and sarcastic person, so the last thing I need is a smart-ass response because I’m trying to be serious and hopefully get some good advice from a professional.

–Jackie

Dear Jackie. Ouch. Here I was all ready with a sarcastic, witty response and you go ahead and ask me to restrain myself.

So I’m stuck with, what? Answering your question? Jeez.

You’re already good at listening; that’s a great skill. The only things left are confidence, a killer smile, a quick wit, an ability to accurately count change and an uncanny knack at remembering who drinks what.

If you can manage all that, you’re home free. If you can’t, figure out your weak spots and compensate with an extraordinary ability in any of the other categories.

OK, people, your bartender Mitch will now return to his usual sarcastic and witty self. Beware.