Archive for the ‘Pussy’ Category

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What more can I say?

February 8, 2009
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24 & There’s So Much More

February 18, 2008

Dear Bartender: As a bartender this must be the most common thing you hear: I have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She will make the perfect wife/mother. She is very caring and loves me more than anyone else. But we are only 24. I feel the urge to have sex with other women as I want to experience all that life has to offer. I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but still want to fuck other women. My girlfriend is the jealous type and would never understand something like this. She would not believe that I could satisfy my sex drive with other women, while still being intimately in love with her. One day I want us to get married and have children. But I realize my sex drive will only last so long and do not want to regret it passing me by. I don’t want to be deceitful or hurt her. I don’t want to resent her. How do I reconcile sex and love?

Dear Wants It All: First things first. Your girlfriend is not the “jealous type.” The correct way to describe a girlfriend who doesn’t want her man fucking other women is “female.” You’re not the first man to have this problem.

Mother Nature designed men and women with the proliferation of the species in mind, not your personal satisfaction. Man is born wanting to spread his seed; woman is born seeking to secure a safe haven for her young. That these two things are in conflict is the reason Hollywood has produced an excess of romantic comedies.

In short, you want what every other male on the planet wants: to fuck around without consequence. Sadly, it don’t work that way — the occasional exceptions notwithstanding. (Many gay male couples — ones who have come to grips with evolutionary reality — have enduring relationships that are less than monogamous, to give one example.) It’s unlikely you’re going to get all the sex you want without going behind your gf’s back.

The alternative is to wait until she gets restless — it happens around age 35 — and broker a deal, tit for tat. But by that time, alas, your sex drive will be on the downhill side of Mount Everybody.

Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor.

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Ladies Loving Ladies

January 29, 2008

Dear Bartender: What’s the current word on ladies who come into the bar, get a little drunk and start making out? They’re not lesbians, they just like to make out when they’re drinking. Is it considered dumb by the bartenders? Passe??? Is it excusable behavior? Should said ladies stay out of the bar for a while? Do bartenders always remember the silly behavior of the patrons??

Thanks.

PDA Problems

Dear PDA: Why do you care so much about what the bartenders think? Bartenders have more to worry about than who kisses whom after a few dozen cocktails. Frankly, when women come into my bar, I’m happy if they’re kissing and not pulling each other’s hair. I’ve seen women drunk, I know what I’m talking about.

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The Other Woman, Pt Infinity

November 14, 2007

Dear Bartender: Here’s the deal. Are you ready for this? My husband has a mistress. That’s not the problem. I’ve been braced for my husband taking a lover since my mother sat me down thirty years ago and told me this would happen. I accepted it long ago. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the bitch being uglier than me.

I am fifty-five. This woman — this THING — is sixty if she’s a day. It’s possible she’s fifty-nine but either way I’m wondering if I should be insulted that my man would take such an unattractive lover as an alternative to — of all things — me: a woman who likes to think of herself as reasonably well preserved.

What, if anything, am I missing?

– Wifey

Dear Daughter: Your mother was right to warn you this might happen. But she neglected to fill in the particulars.

The middle-aged man who strays — assuming he is otherwise reasonably happily married — is not selecting his mistress with the intention of insulting his wife. Your husband does not want to be found out, presumably, so how could he have chosen this woman specifically to insult you? Your husband was vulnerable to this woman’s charms — and I don’t care, since you were about to ask, if he approached her or she approached him. Men of a certain age are vulnerable; woman are vulnerable their whole lives, you’re used to it, so don’t assume you know what it’s like to have such a state surprise you just when you think you have your world under control.

Your decision now is whether you want to wait it out or leave him. You could, of course, confront him on the affair — but be careful: any sane man, given the choice, will pick the woman who has humiliated him less.

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Toot Sweets

September 23, 2007

Dear Bartender: You’re a guy right? And you’ve probably had sex with a woman you care about somewhat, right? Not a one night stand but say, maybe, someone you’ve been having sex with for almost 9 months but without any form of commitment? And say this woman, who you’ve never known to be flatulent, suddenly, how shall we say it delicately, “has a moment of loss of control” and farts during sex? Is that the end of romance? Will sex ever be the same again? Especially if the relationship is tenuous???? I need to know what a guy thinks. Thanks.

–Pristene.

Dear Pristene: Yes, I am a guy. Whew. Thank goodness we can agree on that much. The rest we can pretend is irrelevant for now.

Farting during sex: that’s a nugget I’ll tuck away the next time I want to quickly end a one-night stand.

Ending a 9-month relationship will take some more imagination.

Unless, of course, the relationship was over already, and all that was missing was an exit cue. If he leaves you, Pristine, because of your momentary loss of below-the-belly-button control, take heart that he would have left you very soon anyway.

I’d say your bigger worry right now is whether your fart actually turned him on.

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Gone Daddy Gone

September 3, 2007

Dear Bartender: Well it seems I’ve stepped into one of the most vile bounds of the relationship game. About a month ago I ended a 4-year relationship. Since the breakup I’ve been seeing one of her friends (and yes we’ve slept together). To be fair though I’ve known her and have hooked up with her (the current friend of the ex) before I ever met the ex. So basically, am I going to hell?

– Stevie Brooklyn

Dear Stevie: First, Dear Everyone: my apologies to readers who’ve written in and to whom I’ve not responded. Hotmail is spamming mail on me like crazy. Even Stevie Brooklyn’s letter was junked. Junked! It’s a valid question, involving themes we’ve touched on here before, including sex, dating, girlfriends and men who are terrified that women are running their lives. Can’t those hotmail loonies figure that out?

If I’ve neglected a question out there, please re-send. Some of you may be thirsty for advice. Some of you just might be thirsty. If that’s the case, I’ve made some extra kamikaze shots. On the house. Really.

So, Stevie, your question: Are you going to hell? No. Not unless your ex has discovered the ability to send you there. You and your ex are done. Finished. No more. Why you think she should have any say in your love life now is just dumb. She may think differently but, like I said, you and she are done. There’s no “there” there. Got that?

Your new girlfriend and your ex will have their own issues to work out, like whether they can still be friends or resist comparing notes on your shortcomings. None of that should obscure the main point: An ex is ex is ex.

Don’t invite her the wedding.

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My Girlfriend’s Flat

August 16, 2007

Dear most esteemed Bartender: Whenever I feel very happy or very sad, my girlfriend’s moods start to flatten out. This makes me feel as though I am frustrating her. What do you think?

–possibly crazy

Dear Possibly Crazy: She’s jealous that any of your emotions could be spent on something besides her. Danger, Will Robinson!

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