Archive for the ‘Pussy’ Category

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What more can I say?

February 8, 2009
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24 & There’s So Much More

February 18, 2008

Dear Bartender: As a bartender this must be the most common thing you hear: I have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She will make the perfect wife/mother. She is very caring and loves me more than anyone else. But we are only 24. I feel the urge to have sex with other women as I want to experience all that life has to offer. I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but still want to fuck other women. My girlfriend is the jealous type and would never understand something like this. She would not believe that I could satisfy my sex drive with other women, while still being intimately in love with her. One day I want us to get married and have children. But I realize my sex drive will only last so long and do not want to regret it passing me by. I don’t want to be deceitful or hurt her. I don’t want to resent her. How do I reconcile sex and love?

Dear Wants It All: First things first. Your girlfriend is not the “jealous type.” The correct way to describe a girlfriend who doesn’t want her man fucking other women is “female.” You’re not the first man to have this problem.

Mother Nature designed men and women with the proliferation of the species in mind, not your personal satisfaction. Man is born wanting to spread his seed; woman is born seeking to secure a safe haven for her young. That these two things are in conflict is the reason Hollywood has produced an excess of romantic comedies.

In short, you want what every other male on the planet wants: to fuck around without consequence. Sadly, it don’t work that way — the occasional exceptions notwithstanding. (Many gay male couples — ones who have come to grips with evolutionary reality — have enduring relationships that are less than monogamous, to give one example.) It’s unlikely you’re going to get all the sex you want without going behind your gf’s back.

The alternative is to wait until she gets restless — it happens around age 35 — and broker a deal, tit for tat. But by that time, alas, your sex drive will be on the downhill side of Mount Everybody.

Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor.

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Ladies Loving Ladies

January 29, 2008

Dear Bartender: What’s the current word on ladies who come into the bar, get a little drunk and start making out? They’re not lesbians, they just like to make out when they’re drinking. Is it considered dumb by the bartenders? Passe??? Is it excusable behavior? Should said ladies stay out of the bar for a while? Do bartenders always remember the silly behavior of the patrons??

Thanks.

PDA Problems

Dear PDA: Why do you care so much about what the bartenders think? Bartenders have more to worry about than who kisses whom after a few dozen cocktails. Frankly, when women come into my bar, I’m happy if they’re kissing and not pulling each other’s hair. I’ve seen women drunk, I know what I’m talking about.

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The Other Woman, Pt Infinity

November 14, 2007

Dear Bartender: Here’s the deal. Are you ready for this? My husband has a mistress. That’s not the problem. I’ve been braced for my husband taking a lover since my mother sat me down thirty years ago and told me this would happen. I accepted it long ago. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the bitch being uglier than me.

I am fifty-five. This woman — this THING — is sixty if she’s a day. It’s possible she’s fifty-nine but either way I’m wondering if I should be insulted that my man would take such an unattractive lover as an alternative to — of all things — me: a woman who likes to think of herself as reasonably well preserved.

What, if anything, am I missing?

– Wifey

Dear Daughter: Your mother was right to warn you this might happen. But she neglected to fill in the particulars.

The middle-aged man who strays — assuming he is otherwise reasonably happily married — is not selecting his mistress with the intention of insulting his wife. Your husband does not want to be found out, presumably, so how could he have chosen this woman specifically to insult you? Your husband was vulnerable to this woman’s charms — and I don’t care, since you were about to ask, if he approached her or she approached him. Men of a certain age are vulnerable; woman are vulnerable their whole lives, you’re used to it, so don’t assume you know what it’s like to have such a state surprise you just when you think you have your world under control.

Your decision now is whether you want to wait it out or leave him. You could, of course, confront him on the affair — but be careful: any sane man, given the choice, will pick the woman who has humiliated him less.

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Toot Sweets

September 23, 2007

Dear Bartender: You’re a guy right? And you’ve probably had sex with a woman you care about somewhat, right? Not a one night stand but say, maybe, someone you’ve been having sex with for almost 9 months but without any form of commitment? And say this woman, who you’ve never known to be flatulent, suddenly, how shall we say it delicately, “has a moment of loss of control” and farts during sex? Is that the end of romance? Will sex ever be the same again? Especially if the relationship is tenuous???? I need to know what a guy thinks. Thanks.

–Pristene.

Dear Pristene: Yes, I am a guy. Whew. Thank goodness we can agree on that much. The rest we can pretend is irrelevant for now.

Farting during sex: that’s a nugget I’ll tuck away the next time I want to quickly end a one-night stand.

Ending a 9-month relationship will take some more imagination.

Unless, of course, the relationship was over already, and all that was missing was an exit cue. If he leaves you, Pristine, because of your momentary loss of below-the-belly-button control, take heart that he would have left you very soon anyway.

I’d say your bigger worry right now is whether your fart actually turned him on.

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Gone Daddy Gone

September 3, 2007

Dear Bartender: Well it seems I’ve stepped into one of the most vile bounds of the relationship game. About a month ago I ended a 4-year relationship. Since the breakup I’ve been seeing one of her friends (and yes we’ve slept together). To be fair though I’ve known her and have hooked up with her (the current friend of the ex) before I ever met the ex. So basically, am I going to hell?

– Stevie Brooklyn

Dear Stevie: First, Dear Everyone: my apologies to readers who’ve written in and to whom I’ve not responded. Hotmail is spamming mail on me like crazy. Even Stevie Brooklyn’s letter was junked. Junked! It’s a valid question, involving themes we’ve touched on here before, including sex, dating, girlfriends and men who are terrified that women are running their lives. Can’t those hotmail loonies figure that out?

If I’ve neglected a question out there, please re-send. Some of you may be thirsty for advice. Some of you just might be thirsty. If that’s the case, I’ve made some extra kamikaze shots. On the house. Really.

So, Stevie, your question: Are you going to hell? No. Not unless your ex has discovered the ability to send you there. You and your ex are done. Finished. No more. Why you think she should have any say in your love life now is just dumb. She may think differently but, like I said, you and she are done. There’s no “there” there. Got that?

Your new girlfriend and your ex will have their own issues to work out, like whether they can still be friends or resist comparing notes on your shortcomings. None of that should obscure the main point: An ex is ex is ex.

Don’t invite her the wedding.

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My Girlfriend’s Flat

August 16, 2007

Dear most esteemed Bartender: Whenever I feel very happy or very sad, my girlfriend’s moods start to flatten out. This makes me feel as though I am frustrating her. What do you think?

–possibly crazy

Dear Possibly Crazy: She’s jealous that any of your emotions could be spent on something besides her. Danger, Will Robinson!

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It’s Gonna Get Ugly

April 13, 2007

Dear Bartender: I’m a guy in his late twenties and I’ve been dating this woman in her mid twenties for the past 6 months. We both have professional jobs in nyc.

She told me she was once a bartender at various go-go bars. That was all well and good in the past, but quiet frankly I’m not the type of person typically attracted to women in these types of job because of the drama such a place brings like phone calls and text messages from random guys at all hours of the night.

She is looking to make some extra cash to pay off her debts quickly and told me about a bar tending gig in a coyote ugly type of place minus the bar dancing. She invited me to come to her first night but told me she could not treat me nor could I act like her boyfriend. I’m a little taken back by this. She tried to reassure me this is necessary for her to maximize her tips and this is how it is at any bar.

Is this true? And am I right to feel upset and slightly pissed at being treated like I’m no one as well as walking into her bar and seeing some drunk prick putting the moves on her?

What kind of compromise can I present to her so she can make the extra cash she needs and I don’t feel the insecurities of other men trying to take home my girl? I also fear that sleazy money-hungry attitude will bleed over into our personal life. Is it that easy to turn it on and off?

Sincerely,

confused and concerned

Dear c&c: What are you doing at this bar? Stay away and let her do her work. Your g.f. is right. And she sounds like a true pro. So don’t worry about her bringing any money-hungry attitude home with her. She just wants to get out of debt. Please congratulate her for me.

I sympathize that it won’t be easy for you, but remember: If you treat her like a human being and not a piece of meat, you’ll have the highest place of honor in her heart. She doesn’t want to go home with any of those drunk pricks; she wants to come home to you.

And if you want it to stay that way, I have a side piece of advice: You say you’re not “typically attracted to women in these types of jobs.” If you continue to see your g.f. as a “type of woman” and not the girl you love, she’ll leave you in a heartbeat.

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Hoo-ha over Hoo-has

March 13, 2007

Dear Bartender: There’s a little hoo-ha going on between Andrew Sullivan and some breeder guy about whether or not gay bars discriminate against women and straight men. Care to enlighten us?

–Curious

Dear Curious: You’ve given me the opportunity to at last reveal to all my readers that their very own Mitchell works at a gay bar. Whew! Thank you, Curious, for allowing me to clear that up at long last! Maybe it puts some earlier posts in a new light. Maybe not.

Anyway, I’ve never kicked a woman out of my bar simply for being a woman. Or straight. Or even the shocking combination of being both. But that means neither that a) it doesn’t happen, or b) she belongs in a gay bar.

I’ve said before that women go to gay bars to be around men who aren’t trying to get in their pants. If we allowed one or two straight guys in they could ruin it for her pretty quick. You know, kind of like a controlled forest fire.

Some bars leave it to dress codes to more or less control who gets in. This doesn’t always work. I remember one time my sister came to find me at a leather bar; the doorman let her in, but stopped short of letting her (gay male) roommate in. Sometimes it just comes down to how tough you’re willing to be.

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On Your Mark…

January 17, 2007

Dear Bartender: I’m ready to ask my GF to marry me. What are some of the signs that SHE’S ready?

A little backstory: she’s a bit older than me (seven years) and she’s about to graduate from nursing school. We’ve been dating for six months. She divorced her first husband and he has custody of all three kids. She sees them sometimes but usually only when her ex-husband is out of town and her sister-in-law arranges something on the sly. She likes me a lot but only when I have money.

I plan to come into money very soon. Should I ask her then?

– Fiancé Wanabe

Dear Wanna: Don’t rob the liquor store until you make her sign a pre-nup.

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Girlfriends

January 6, 2007

Dear Bartender: I kissed a girl. Should I tell my husband?

Dear Dyke: Questions like this — where you don’t give me nearly enough information to answer intelligently — I give to my Magic 8 Ball. There’s at least a somewhat decent chance that the answer will be helpful.

Magic 8 Ball says: Not unless you want to drive him nuts.

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One Way To Skin A Cat

October 26, 2006

Dear Bartender: Can I remain friends with a family whose wrinkly elderly cat is shaved down to pink? The hair on its head and tail would fill a watermelon each, but the “trunk” is nude. The thing keeps trying to insist its way onto my lap, swiveling its flat, blank face into mine and wheezing. Ack, hack – and is there any way to stop that fluid from coming out of its nose?

–Frightened

Dear Frightened: Interestingly, I’ve been asked a question on this topic before. As vivid as that question was, yours might be the one that gives me bad dreams tonight.

What I’m wondering is: if someone were to hand you his pet tarantula, would anyone balk if you screamed? How come we’re all supposed to pretend that all cats are loveable?

Shaved, ugly, pus-dripping ones are not. You can’t tell your friends that, however. Your best bet, if it’s too late to feign an allergy, is to stand up.

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The Penis Reponds

October 14, 2006

Dear Bartender: I absolutely detest seeing straight girls in gay bars. I know they have every right to be there (legally), but the bars are crowded enough already without them. Whether they’re there to shield some young, impressionable homo from interacting with other men in an effort to prevent the crushing of his all-too-fragile ego, or whether they arrive in packs thinking they’re living some “Sex and the City” fabulous fantasy lifestyle, let’s face it, they just get in the way.

I know a gay bar is a safe zone for a lot of people, including these girls, where they can get away from the gropes of drunken straight ex-frat boys who frequent mainstream bars. But from my perspective, it’s not their safe zone. If it were, it wouldn’t be a gay bar. It’s not our job to protect them from that kind of machismo. It might also help the situation if they realized for a change that they were guests in a place with different social norms and not the center of attention for once.

Am I going overboard here?

-Spanky

Dear Spanky: I’ve heard a lot of women tell me why they hang out in gay bars (“The music’s so good! All my friends are here! It’s right next door to Victoria’s Secret!”) but none of them seem to get at the heart of it.

Straight women hang out in gay bars to avoid anyone who wants to pork. Your quickest route to getting rid of them is to disappoint.

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Just Do It

September 18, 2006

Dear Bartender: I’m a 25 year-old female virgin. It wasn’t a choice or anything, it’s just how things turned out. (I guess you’d call me an “everything but” girl.) The last guy I dated and told was really odd about it. We had a really physical relationship, but he wouldn’t take me all the way. Now I’m going out with a guy who I haven’t told, but he can’t seem to make a move. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation now and in the future? I’d like to have had sex by 26. This is getting ridiculous.

– Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Listerine, maybe? It’s hard to say. You told one guy and he wouldn’t do it; you didn’t tell the next guy and he wouldn’t do it either. So maybe telling/not telling has little or nothing to do with it.

Then again, Guy #1 may have thought you were “saving yourself” for your one true man — and didn’t want you to think it was him. Or he may have been terrified of not living up to your expectations for the big act; the first time can be disappointing, you know. You kinda gotta get good at it.

Which, of course, brings us back to your point: You want to get on with the practice, practice, practice.

Guy #2 might be a good candidate; why won’t he take you there? Maybe you haven’t asked him. Maybe he’s a virgin, too. Maybe all this thinking about it is putting him to sleep.

Try this: Get him all naked, hot and bothered, then look him deeply in the eyes and demand passionately — as if you were suddenly overcome — that he take you then and there.

If he still doesn’t get it, then you are saving yourself — not for your one true man, but for someone with a clue.

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Closet of Clothes, Nothing to Wear to Work

August 4, 2006

Dear Bartender: Hi Toots!
 
Maybe you can help. I’m a professional female nudist. (Whoops! That sounds like I’m a woman by profession!) Anyways, I interviewed the other day for a job at the local Chevy dealer – the one named after the football player (hint hint) – and it ended up like every other interview ends, I got the job!
 
But now the other sales guys are saying that I’m stealing all their prospects that walk onto the lot. And the boss is yelling at me because everyone I take out for a test drive gets into a tiny fender bender. What should he care? They always buy the car anyways, and airbags are under the warranty. Holy moley.
 
I’m sick of these accusations. And the worst was when the boss suggested after dinner last night that the accidents might go down if I stop shaving you-know-where, and then he said I should sit in the back seat during test drives until it grows out! Can you imagine that long in the back seat of a Chevy???
 
Gross!
 
Do you think I should sue my boss for age discrimination or something?

–Bald in Baltimore

Dear Bald: Actually, I don’t-know-where. What are you shaving that’s attracting so much attention? Your legs? Your head? Your sideburns?

Or is “age discrimation” supposed to give me a clue? OK, I think I get it now.

You might do better with a hair discrimination case, though historically people haven’t been all that successful. In 1970, a kid in Texas appealed his hair=freedom of speech case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court — but they refused to hear him.

I have a feeling they might pay more attention to you.

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Stickin’ It To The Man

July 29, 2006

Dear Mitch: I don’t know if you heard, but things got ugly at a gay pride rally in Latvia, with protesters. But I found this photo on Andrew Sullivan’s website:

Why on earth would these lesbians come out against homosexuality? I’d think they’d be natural allies. Or is there a whole Jets and Sharks thing going on between the genders in the Eastern European gay community?

Dear Curious: Curious indeed! Though perhaps not totally illogical that two lesbians would be turned off by anal sex. Now that I think about it, however, perhaps it’s anal sex between stick figures they object to. Stick figures are useful (I wouldn’t know what “Ped Xing” meant without them) but maybe even I don’t want to see them get it on.

Truthfully, we all know people who can be offended by nearly anything. Oddly, some of them are lesbians. Go (stick) figure.

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Don’t Hold Dinner

July 27, 2006

Dear Bartender: How do I keep my wife from smelling the beer on my breath when I come home “late” from work?  She always greets me at the door with a kiss.  (BTW: Breath mints and gum are a dead giveaway.)

Dear Bad Husband: A small piece of chocolate or an outbreak of herpes ought to do the trick.  Lucky for you you’re a selfish lover and it’s just beer that she’s smelling. You know what I mean?

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