Ask a Bartender

Match Game, Pt 14

askabartender — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:34:15 +0000

Dear Readers: Damn, it’s almost Spring, and we haven’t played Match Game since Singapore’s last Racial Harmony Day. OK here goes:

Dumb Daisy was so dumb… when she ran out of tomato juice, she made her Bloody Marys with [BLANK].

What more can I say?

askabartender — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 05:02:34 +0000

What the world needs now

askabartender — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:39:10 +0000

Dear Bartender: I am getting married this upcoming May and I need a little help in figuring out the way in which my bar will operate.

We will have one bartender to serve out nearly 130 guests plus some helpers to assist with taking orders and beer. While we were thinking smaller kegs and kegerators for the bar, I am rethinking that perhaps bottles would be better, keeping them in large galvanized buckets with ice. Not only that but I wouldn’t have to deal with four different cooling units.

What do you think? Kegs? Bottles? Or a combination?

Second question. What kinds of alcohol will I need to create a full bar for my guests and per your experience how much will people drink. I figured that the advice of an expert might come in handy ’cause I am lost at this point.

Thanks a ton.

Dear Groom: Per my experience, people will drink half as much again as you think they will. Trust me on that one.

And just to clarify: I’m not a wedding planner, etiquette expert or professional caterer. You’re getting a bartender’s opinion. (You also didn’t ask an environmentalist, which is why I’ll tell you to go with the beer in bottles.)

There’s no need to stock your bar like you’re a hotel or an airport. Scotch, rum, vodka, gin, ice, some mixers and a decent red and white isn’t too little, provided you have a few non-alcoholic choices and you’ve already taken care of the champagne for the toast. And, there’s actually nothing to stop you from serving just the champagne. A wedding reception is just a party, albeit often a big one, and the liquor logic is the same: you serve what you want, in your best effort to make your guests happy. That said, you know better than I if one of your guests is gonna be crushed that you’re fresh out of Rumplemintz.

Cherry Jubilee

askabartender — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 01:51:46 +0000

Dear Bartender: I am 24 years old and still somehow have not managed to lose my virginity. Heaven only knows why, as I am considered a quite attractive young lady. It just didn’t happen. I don’t just wanna go and bang some guy because of all the psychological effects the notorious first time is supposed to have on a girl. On the other hand, I’m pretty sick of missing out on all the hot, hot casual sexin’ going on all around me.

Now there’s this one guy who really means a lot to me. He’s made it perfectly clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship, which is fine ’cause things like that just can’t be forced.

Nevertheless, do you think I could ask him to be my first?

–Slightly Desperate

Dear Slightly: These things can’t be forced indeed. And I hope you’re not expecting too much of your first time, cuz the notorious effects aren’t just psychological. Good sex takes practice. Practice, practice, practice!

Which is why you wanna start practicing. I get it. Speaking of practice, briefly allow me a pause to accept that there doesn’t seem to be any question out there that I haven’t answered already.

Sure, go ahead. He’s not your brother, is he?

An age-old question

askabartender — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:58:49 +0000

Dear Bartender: I’m a single gay man, reasonably devoted to going to gym to keep in shape so I might be able to attract prey… but I can’t seem to stop eating a shitty diet. Result is decent arms/chest but still unattractive midsection. Love handles and spare tire just won’t go away. How can a man motivate his diet as much as his gym routine so he isn’t a chronic, pathetic fat-ass loser?

Dear Fat-Ass: There is a well-worn path to better self-esteem for guys like you, but it takes time, and you gotta be willing to put in the hours.

Get old. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you see how fat your friends are.

Well Hung

askabartender — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:52:19 +0000

Dear Bartender: Could you suggest a cure for a hangover? I could use one, quick.

Dear Hung: Magnesium, Vitamin B1 or B6, oxygen… I’ve heard of a few remedies that may help a hangover, but the only cure I know was brought to this Earth by Satan himself: Hair of the Dog. After the first one I swear I can hear him laugh.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

askabartender — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:53:02 +0000

Dear Bartender: I’m having my post-Christmas letdown early this year. Could you make mine a double?

Dear Letdown: One double coming up. I think I’ll join you. I’ve been listening to “Pet Sounds” again.

New Math

askabartender — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:08:56 +0000

Dear Bartender: I’m no mathematician, but I’ve been thinking… If I go to a bar and drink 8 beers, tipping a dollar each beer, at $5 a pop I’ll spend $48.00. BUT, if I drink 8 beers and tip TWO dollars each time — and, as a consequence, the bartender comps me every fourth beer (not an unreasonable expectation, I hope) — I’ll spend only $46.00. It’s win/win for everyone! I’ve saved myself two bucks and doubled the bartender’s income. No small thing in these troubled times, am I right?

–Wizard

Dear Wizard: Yes, if you choose your bartender wisely. Think of yourself as Congress and your bartender as one of the Big Three; no sensible person should invest in something clueless.

Tingle all the way

askabartender — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 05:57:53 +0000

Dear Bartender: What does it mean when your hands are always tingling? Is it a sign of alcohol abuse or does it mean you spend too much time on the Internet? Or does it mean you are having a stroke? Or does it mean that you want to do something you have always wanted to do and have yet failed to do? Are you an MD as well as a mixologist?

–Tingling digits

Dear Digits: I’m no MD, but clearly you will be dead within the hour, so I won’t worry about your diagnosis. The rest of you people, especially the alive ones, heed this advice: Life is far too short. Drink up. Last call comes sooner than you think.

Foster Children

askabartender — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:34:32 +0000

Dear Bartender: What’s a good mixer for Bacardi? I like how fast it works to feel the effects but I can’t stand the taste. Rather than waste what’s left of the bottle, I’d like to numb the bite.

–BAM

Dear BAM: Allow me my personal prejudices. The only good use I’ve found for rum is Bananas Foster. But to be honest, I’ve yet to try the intriguing-sounding Dark & Stormy. I suggest you try it and get back to me.