Match Game, Pt 14

March 8, 2009

Dear Readers: Damn, it’s almost Spring, and we haven’t played Match Game since Singapore’s last Racial Harmony Day. OK here goes:

Dumb Daisy was so dumb… when she ran out of tomato juice, she made her Bloody Marys with [BLANK].



What more can I say?

February 8, 2009

What the world needs now

February 6, 2009

Dear Bartender: I am getting married this upcoming May and I need a little help in figuring out the way in which my bar will operate.

We will have one bartender to serve out nearly 130 guests plus some helpers to assist with taking orders and beer. While we were thinking smaller kegs and kegerators for the bar, I am rethinking that perhaps bottles would be better, keeping them in large galvanized buckets with ice. Not only that but I wouldn’t have to deal with four different cooling units.

What do you think? Kegs? Bottles? Or a combination?

Second question. What kinds of alcohol will I need to create a full bar for my guests and per your experience how much will people drink. I figured that the advice of an expert might come in handy ’cause I am lost at this point.

Thanks a ton.

Dear Groom: Per my experience, people will drink half as much again as you think they will. Trust me on that one.

And just to clarify: I’m not a wedding planner, etiquette expert or professional caterer. You’re getting a bartender’s opinion. (You also didn’t ask an environmentalist, which is why I’ll tell you to go with the beer in bottles.)

There’s no need to stock your bar like you’re a hotel or an airport. Scotch, rum, vodka, gin, ice, some mixers and a decent red and white isn’t too little, provided you have a few non-alcoholic choices and you’ve already taken care of the champagne for the toast. And, there’s actually nothing to stop you from serving just the champagne. A wedding reception is just a party, albeit often a big one, and the liquor logic is the same: you serve what you want, in your best effort to make your guests happy. That said, you know better than I if one of your guests is gonna be crushed that you’re fresh out of Rumplemintz.


Cherry Jubilee

January 27, 2009

Dear Bartender: I am 24 years old and still somehow have not managed to lose my virginity. Heaven only knows why, as I am considered a quite attractive young lady. It just didn’t happen. I don’t just wanna go and bang some guy because of all the psychological effects the notorious first time is supposed to have on a girl. On the other hand, I’m pretty sick of missing out on all the hot, hot casual sexin’ going on all around me.

Now there’s this one guy who really means a lot to me. He’s made it perfectly clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship, which is fine ’cause things like that just can’t be forced.

Nevertheless, do you think I could ask him to be my first?

–Slightly Desperate

Dear Slightly: These things can’t be forced indeed. And I hope you’re not expecting too much of your first time, cuz the notorious effects aren’t just psychological. Good sex takes practice. Practice, practice, practice!

Which is why you wanna start practicing. I get it. Speaking of practice, briefly allow me a pause to accept that there doesn’t seem to be any question out there that I haven’t answered already.

Sure, go ahead. He’s not your brother, is he?


An age-old question

January 7, 2009

Dear Bartender: I’m a single gay man, reasonably devoted to going to gym to keep in shape so I might be able to attract prey… but I can’t seem to stop eating a shitty diet. Result is decent arms/chest but still unattractive midsection. Love handles and spare tire just won’t go away.  How can a man motivate his diet as much as his gym routine so he isn’t a chronic, pathetic fat-ass loser?

Dear Fat-Ass: There is a well-worn path to better self-esteem for guys like you, but it takes time, and you gotta be willing to put in the hours.

Get old. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you see how fat your friends are.


Well Hung

December 22, 2008

Dear Bartender: Could you suggest a cure for a hangover? I could use one, quick.

Dear Hung: Magnesium, Vitamin B1 or B6, oxygen… I’ve heard of a few remedies that may help a hangover, but the only cure I know was brought to this Earth by Satan himself: Hair of the Dog. After the first one I swear I can hear him laugh.


Wouldn’t It Be Nice

December 17, 2008

Dear Bartender: I’m having my post-Christmas letdown early this year. Could you make mine a double?

Dear Letdown: One double coming up. I think I’ll join you. I’ve been listening to “Pet Sounds” again.