Ladies Loving Ladies

Dear Bartender: What’s the current word on ladies who come into the bar, get a little drunk and start making out? They’re not lesbians, they just like to make out when they’re drinking. Is it considered dumb by the bartenders? Passe??? Is it excusable behavior? Should said ladies stay out of the bar for a while? Do bartenders always remember the silly behavior of the patrons??

Thanks.

PDA Problems

Dear PDA: Why do you care so much about what the bartenders think? Bartenders have more to worry about than who kisses whom after a few dozen cocktails. Frankly, when women come into my bar, I’m happy if they’re kissing and not pulling each other’s hair. I’ve seen women drunk, I know what I’m talking about.

Knight Time

Dear Bartender: What happened to Peter Brady? Is it possible to be a childhood star and age gracefully?

Dear Reader: The Brady Kids got, I believe, $1,000 an episode. I’m sure it seemed like a great deal at the time. “The Brady Bunch” never made the top 25 in the five seasons it aired; there was no reason to think anyone would give it another thought after it was mercifully canceled in 1974.

And yet… when the show entered after-school syndication it was discovered anew by kids who never saw it on prime time, and it became iconic. The colors. The jokes. The comforting inanity. It was irresistable.

Should you find that you are an actor in a show that posthumously becomes a pop culture phenomenon, there are worse things you can do than bulk up at the gym and pose half naked for a photographer.

Admit it: that $1,000 was spent a long time ago.

Behind the Q Ball

Dear Bartender: I’ve tried asking this question of Miss Manners, but she must be awfully busy or just IGNORING me!!! I figured you seem like a man of taste and refinement, so here goes…

I will very shortly be working on a project with a former member of the royal family from a foreign country (lets just call her, umm Farrah Jurgensen). She was formerly a dutchess and now is… well…Princeless. I am wondering how I should address her? I believe “Your Grace” is the correct way to greet a duchess, but does it still hold for a FORMER duchess? I wasn’t planning on bowing. Oh, and it looks like I will be doing some research for the project using some information from her former husband (prince) and mother-in-law (yes, Q, and I don’t mean Quincy Jones). I will be meeting them both. How would I address her former husband (still prince, apparently not so charming) and his mother?

Also, I have only up until now seen the mother on a stamp. How do suggest I resist the urge to lick the back of her head when I meet her?

Sincerely,
A Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal: I don’t usually get this kind of question. It’s a nice change from the same old shit. I get bored of answering the same questions. I imagine Miss Manners does, too; that might be why she’s ignoring you.

You see, she’s answered this question already. I know because I’ve read all of her books several dozens of times. In a nutshell, as an American, you shouldn’t bow to foreign royalty. As for how to address them, “sir” and “ma’am” will do. But don’t assume these are interchangeable; saying “sir” when you mean “ma’am” is almost as bad as licking the back of Queen Elizabeth’s face — though I’m not convinced you’d be out of line if you simply glued an envelope to her forehead.

Absents

Dear Bartender: Why is Absents illegal in the US?

Dear Curious: Sick leave has been a staple of employment since the 1920’s. If your boss giving you a hard time about your winter cold, send him to me; Mitch’ll straighten him out.

Awards Season

Dear Bartender: If you were forced to choose, which would it be: win an Oscar or a Pulitzer?

Dear Person with an Intelligent Question At Last: They’ll give Oscars to just about anyone these days, won’t they? And the Pulitzer comes with a cash prize, I think, while the Oscar just comes with a gift bag they give out to everyone — not just the losers but anyone who bothers to show up.

Still, I gotta go with Oscar. The lighting’s better.

You Can’t Go Home Again

Dear Bartender: I have recently moved back to my hometown and thought it would be good to get out and mingle. I called up a friend and we decided to go to a local bar to see if anyone we knew still worked there. The bar was under new ownership so the entire staff had changed. The place was busy for a weeknight so we sat down and I ordered my usual drink.

As the night went on my friend left me to go over to a table with some random guys and I stayed at the bar watching TV. I started asking the bouncer and bartender if they knew what had happened to the old staff, and if they still came in every so often. After we chatted for a bit him and the bartender told me they thought it was funny how I had shrugged guys off throughout the night that were trying to buy me drinks. I told them I wasn’t interested in guys buying me drinks, I was able to buy my own. I also hate when guys try to get in my space when they are drunk, its not a turn on! They found me amusing and we ended up talking for the next hour while my friend was over getting drunk with the random guys who had hit on us earlier. When I asked for the check he asked me if I would come back in some time, I told him maybe but probably not because I am not big into the bar scene.

He gave me my check and I looked up at him because I noticed he had taken off a couple of drinks, he smiled and started helping another customer. He came back over and asked me again why I would not come back in. I told him if he was that concerned about not seeing me again he should just ask me for my phone number. He got super red and the bouncer I was talking with all night started giving him a hard time. He encouraged the bartender to get my number and take me out. I told him we should all go out, it would be a good time. The bouncer suggested we meet back at the bar in a couple days and all go out from there. I told them that would be ok but I didn’t want to stay at the bar. The bouncer gave me his number and told me to call him if I couldn’t make it. I was a little unsure because the bartender was so hesitant to get my number, but agreed to meet up in a couple of days to go out.

Are they just trying to get people to come into the bar? I am up for hanging out with new people but I don’t want to show up with my friend and feel like a complete fool!

Signed-
Foolishly Flirty

Dear Flirty: I’ve distilled your question down to this: A bartender bought you a couple of drinks and then acted like he didn’t want to go out on a date. Are you missing something?

Yes. He wants you to come to the bar. It’s a compliment: he wants attractive customers. But forget any designs you may have had on a relationship with him outside of the box.

The bouncer, on the other hand, is ready to rumble. If you meet up with him, pack extra condoms.

You could do worse.

Dear Bartender: Happy January. What advice do you have for us, not just for today but for the whole next year.

Dear Reader: Murray, call your mother.

Out with the old?

Dear Bartender: Happy new year! Should I go for the old guy of last year, who’s reliable and predictable, or should I go with the young babe of this year, who is not so predictable and is as fresh as a baby’s bottom?

Love,

Hairy Harry

Dear Hairy: Stick with the tried and true. Unpredictable is way overrated and babies’ bottoms aren’t all that fresh.