Match Game, Pt 14

Dear Readers: Damn, it’s almost Spring, and we haven’t played Match Game since Singapore’s last Racial Harmony Day. OK here goes:

Dumb Daisy was so dumb… when she ran out of tomato juice, she made her Bloody Marys with [BLANK].

Match Game, Pt 13

Dear Readers: Time for another round of Match Game. George Michael and Elton John decide to co-host a variety show modeled on “Donny & Marie.” In the opening theme, George sings, “He’s a little bit cunty” and Elton replies, “And he’s a little bit [BLANK].”

Match Game, Pt 12

Dear Readers: I’ve really dropped the ball on this, haven’t I? OK, here goes: My bartender cuts me off when I get too drunk. He says he can tell I’ve had enough when I remember to tip but forget to [BLANK].

Match Game, Pt 11

Dear Readers: How ’bout this: My dog found me asleep in the bathtub; it was disturbing to wake up and find out he’d chewed up my [BLANK].

Match Game, Pt 10

Dear Readers: We’re overdue for another round of Match Game.

 

My mother is having a hard time understanding why I need three computers. I told her: one is for work, one is personal and I need the third one for [BLANK].

 

On the House

Dear Readers: Last Monday I bartended at a private party. One of the guests (as I was trying to make ten drinks at once) insisted on asking me what I did besides tend bar. “Are you an actor, model, what?” When I told him that I bartend, that’s all, he pushed harder. “No, no. What do you really do?”

“I’m a movie star, but that’s just my day job — until I can get my really big break tending bar! Wish me luck!!”

What did he think I was gonna say?

Since he wasn’t going to believe that I’m a bartender (as I made his drink), I caved and told him I’m a writer. That was enough for him to forge on: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot this week and I want you in my shoot.”

My question to you readers — and it’s kind of like Match Game! — is this: Since it didn’t seem to matter to this bozo that I’m not a fashion model, what should I have said? What would have been the best profession for him to have ignored in his effort to get to his point: that no matter what I say, I’m exactly what he thinks I am?

First nominee: Me: “I’m a serial killer.” Him: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot…”

Match Game, Pt 9

Dear Readers: I don’t usually put two Match Games this close together, but MommasSteph said it’s an excellent way to celebrate birthdays. OK, so here goes…

Our country’s founding fathers had a serious debate about the wording of the Declaration of Independence. An early draft, in fact, referred to man’s inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of [BLANK].

Match Game, Pt 8

Dear Readers: I got a request from a loyal reader for a new episode of Match Game. Here goes:

Katie Holmes looked at her husband and said, “Darling, what on earth are you doing with that big black hairy [BLANK]?”

Match Game 7

OK I can’t resist: Little Orphan Brucie found out that his mother was a drunk. This explains why he looks so [BLANK].

Match Game, Pt 6

Time for another Match Game, folks.

Harry knew he had only one chance to get Miss Tittimeyer to give him a passing grade; when he handed in his test, he slipped her a [BLANK].

Mitch ‘n’ Match, Part 5

A loyal reader wants some more Match Game ’07. I’m all for it. Here goes:

After hearing from a focus group made up of sex perverts, NBC finally named their new soap opera “A Tale Of Two [BLANK].”

Mitch ‘n’ Match, Part IV

Dumb Donald was so dumb, when Santa asked him what he hoped to find in his stocking on Christmas, he said [BLANK].

Mitch ‘n’ Match, Part 3

Dumb Dora was so dumb, when I asked how she took her coffee she said [BLANK].

More Mitch ‘n’ Match

Dear Bartender: Match Game was fun. Can we play again?

My mother drank so much when she was pregnant, that the minute I was born I reached right for her [BLANK].

–RT

Dear RT: OK I think the way we play Match Game for real is for me to keep my answer a secret, and hope that it matches at least one of the answers on the celebrity panel.

Do we have celebrity volunteers out there?

Mitch ‘n’ Match

Dear Bartender: Drunkie was so drunk, that he [BLANK] himself.

–TR

Dear TR: Ooh! Match Game! I loved that show. So dirty, so much fun. Why can’t TV be like that any more?

Anyway, I’m sure a reader will come up with a better answer, but I say: Drunkie was so drunk, that he shat himself.

What does everyone else think?