Happy 2029

Dear Bartender: My niece was born 5 months ago, and I got this idea from a book I read. This father had bought a bottle of wine when his daughter was born and they drank it 20 some odd years later. But I read that wine isn’t really meant to be kept for more than a few years. So I was wondering if you could recommend something that I could keep until her 21st birthday. I do not have an acquired taste for scotch so if there is anything else…

Thanks so much.

–Boomer

Dear Boomer: I’m a bartender, not a wine steward, but I’ll try to shed some light anyway.

Wine is packaged lots of ways — with screwcaps, corks, plastic corks, in bags inside boxes like breakfast cereal… That’s not your problem. Your problem, however it’s packaged, is how to store it for the next two decades while you wait for the kid to be of age.

You have two choices: Buy a bottle and drink it tonight or get yourself a good wine cellar. If the latter, you can store the damn stuff till you’re ready to celebrate when the kid turns ninety.

Family Time

Dear Bartender: I really don’t know what your website is about or if this is the kind of question that you welcome, but here goes.

I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my entire family (about 20 or so people) and I would love to spice up our post-dinner visiting with some yummy sweet coffee with a kick type of drink. Here is the problem, I’m a light-weight. I rarely drink and when I do I usually have ONE drink. I don’t have any idea what would make a good coffee drink. I do love the sweet drinks and tend to enjoy drinks with amaretto, Kahlua, and Bailey’s Irish creme.

Do you any recipe suggestions that would be coffee-based, sweet, tasty, and not too strong?

I would appreciate any help you can offer.

Thanks.

–Heather

Dear Lightweight: I’m going to do what I do best and get you and your whole family smashed, on a variation on a mudslide: three parts Stoli Vanilla, one part Patron Café, two parts Bailey’s Irish Creme, give or take on the measurements on all of the above.

It’s coffee based, sweet, and strong as Atlas. You didn’t really want me to give you a recipe for a weak drink, did you? Thanksgiving is not a holiday known for moderation.

Bitch for a Day

Dear Bartender: Today I want to be a bitch. I think everyone should get one day or one week every year where they get to say whatever is on their minds without censoring themselves and no one gets offended because 1) they know that it’s just “that day” and 2) they get to have “that day” themselves. So I’m going to scream at the person who jumps out of line behind me to be first in the new checkout line at the supermarket. I’m going to snore loudly in church if the sermon is dull. If my mother is smart she won’t call me and ask (again) if I had a happy childhood!!

And I’m going to tell you, bartender, exactly what I think of the next drink you make me. Brace yourself!

Dear Wantstobeabitch: Not in my bar, you won’t. Get the fuck out.

A Model Daughter, Pt 2

Dear Bartender: I’m a lady bartender. There’s been a lot of controversy lately about models who are “too” thin. I work hard to maintain my figure. Even though I’m not a model I don’t appreciate people telling me that I’m “too” thin.

So what do I say to the man — not fat, btw — who comes up to my bar and demands a “skinny bitch”?

Offended?

— Skinny but not a bitch

Dear Not A Bitch: A “skinny bitch” is a vodka diet coke. Personally, I’m offended by anyone who can’t order a drink by a sensible name.

Exceptions are made for classics; Cape Cods, Screwdrivers & Cuba Libres can sit tight. Rose Kennedys and Skinny Bitches need to get a grip.

Fork in Mindy

Dear Bartender: I just read all your posts and I have lots of questions of my own. I’ll start with the simplest: How come people I don’t like are allowed to be happy?

— Mindy W.

Dear Mindy: That’s the simplest? Damn, makes me wonder what the other questions are gonna be like. This isn’t gonna be easy to answer.

Oh wait, yes it is. I just remembered what my mother said when I asked why an omniscient God didn’t just toss all the bad people in Hell before they had a chance to make the rest of us miserable.

My mom’s answer was right on the money: Life sucks, kid.

Life On Earth

Dear Bartender: The time has come for me to put a life well lived on paper — I’m writing my autobiography. The story is good enough, that’s not my problem. I need a title. Katherine Hepburn took the one I wanted (“Me”) and now I’m stumped.

Suggestions?

— Me (Not Katherine Hepburn)

Dear Me (Not KH): Yes. I’d read any of these: “I, Louise”; “The Life The Earth Stood Still”; “Crazy Like A Fox — A Foxy Lady!”; “The Greatest Story Ever Told”; “Love Me, Only Love Me — & Everything That Implies”; or “How A Twelve-Pound Chimpanzee Named Smerkel Changed My Life And How Reading About It Will Change Yours!”

Readers out there may want to contribute their own suggestions, as well as help me decide if this question merits creating a new category for it.

This Post Will Self-Destruct at Midnight

Well, not self-destruct, really. But the date will be changed — it won’t be dated January 29. 2007; it will be back-dated to July 22, 2006. There it will hide, and you and I can have a private conversation.

But only if this mission you choose to accept.