Sobriety Test

Dear Bartender: Am I drunk?

Dear Drunk: Is the picture moving?

Ease on down the road

Dear Bartender: I had some bad luck last year, but now I’ve rebounded and I’m doing better than ever. I was insanely lucky — I just missed hitting rock bottom. It was a close call.

I know I’m lucky. But every time I tell my friends that, they insist that I simply got the good fortune I deserved. They don’t get more specific than that — do they mean because I’m white? American? Hard-working? Is it karma?

Somehow, it’s all ringing hollow. I read the newspaper and there’s so much suffering in the world. Who am I to say that I deserve good fortune?

— Skeptical American

Dear American: Trust your instincts. Your friends want to put you on a slippery slope to Republicanism.

A Girl in Trouble

Dear Bartender: If I’m at a bar, and a guy wants to pick me up, what are the three most important things I should know about him before I say yes?

— Tipsy

Dear Tips: My mother would insist that you know his name. I’m not gonna put that in the top 3, however.

My list: 1) Where is he taking you (and can you get yourself home)? 2) Can anyone there vouch for his character? (your friends, his friends, the bartender, the girl he picked up yesterday), and 3) Will he support you if you decide to keep the baby?

You know, just in case.

Liquer? I Don’t Even Know Her!

Dear Bartender: We are having a debate about cream-based liquers. Can you tell us if Godiva chocolate liquers have an expiration date? If not, how long should cream-based liquers be kept for use?

Drunkenly Yours,

LR

Dear LR: In a nutshell, the alcohol acts as a preservative. A cream-based liquer won’t go bad like ordinary cream. It’s best to keep it at a consistent temperature, however, as some cream-based liquers can go lumpy on you — and will eventually taste foul. (Have you had it more than 2 years? Drink it already!)

Some, like Bailey’s Irish Creme, carry a “best before” date — but that’s more of a “tastes best before” kind of thing.

You gonna share any of that Godiva with the rest of these guys?

Mitch ‘n’ Match, Part IV

Dumb Donald was so dumb, when Santa asked him what he hoped to find in his stocking on Christmas, he said [BLANK].

Full Moon

Dear Bartender: What is going on in Hollywood!!!

Watching Good Morning America this morning, they were discussing that new movie “The Last King of Scotland.” Now I must admit, I wasn’t paying close attention, but I don’t care WHAT Diane Sawyer says, not even a bouffant wig and a well-fitted, sequined Escada caftan is going to turn Forest Whitaker into Eydie Gorme. I recently saw Eydie in the Loehmann’s dressing room and even though she looked like she was retaining water she is still a bit slimmer than Forest… Delta Burke, I’d believe, or the nice lady who played the mother on “The Nanny” who was also on “TallteTales” with her husband before Bert Convey died — but Forest???

And since when was Eydie made a King of Scotland?? And where does Steve Lawrence fit into all of this??? And you should see me doing my water aerobics at the senior center to Eydie singing “Blame It On The Bossa Nova” — it is a sight to see!!

Anyway, if you could clear this up, I would be so appreciative.

— Delores, Staten Island

OK Whoever can make sense out of this gets some kind of prize.

Merry *hic!*mas

Dear Bartender: It’s holiday time. Could you give suggestions for nice liquid gifts that would be appropriate (and moderately priced) for the following on my list?

My boss (conservative, empty nester)
My son’s storytime leader (crunchy, 30-ish)
My neighbor, who has taken care of our cat during our vacations (professor, 35, friendly, literate)
My priest (middle-aged, fussy, intelligent)
My husband’s secretary (old school, prim, efficient)

Dear Gifter: Boss: Chivas Regal; Storytime leader: Liquer de Violette; Neighbor: Ketel One; Priest: Riesling Sparkling Shiraz; Secretary: Red Bull.

‘Tis better to give

Dear Bartender: When is it appropriate to “re-gift”?

Dear Giver: When it’s an STD.

Tool Time

Dear Bartender: I’m intimidated by my wife’s use of manly words — blacktop, sheet rock, etc. Should I get over this? Or would you agree with me that her being more confident than me “talking shop” is somewhat emasculating?

— Girly Man

Dear Girly Man: Should you get over it? Can you think of any good reason not to?

I hope I don’t sound insensitive. Personally, I don’t have this problem. Whenever I need to put up a shelf or hang a spider plant I call a lesbian. They have little interest in having anything to do with my privates — least of all cutting them off.

Who Lived in a Shoe

Dear Bartender: My husband says we can’t have another child because our house is too small. I say house size is too arbitrary to be the deal-breaker in such an existential question. Could you please weigh in here? I don’t require that you agree with me, by the way, but I’d be interested in your perspective, as a philosopher.

— Not Moving

Dear Not Move: I’ll side with you on this because, come on, babies just aren’t that big. But you have to promise that you’ll send him back if he starts taking up more room than, say, an armchair.

The Piña Colada Song

Dear Bartender: I’d like a date by New Year’s, but how’s a chick in her late thirties to meet someone over the winter holidays, when people tend to be frantic and overeggnogged? Got any great lines for fellows in airports, or at the post office?

— to market, to market

Dear Market: Are you frantic and overeggnogged? No? Then why are you assuming everyone else is?

The line you’re looking for: “I’m not much into health food; I am into champagne.”

If the 70’s showed us anything, it’s that true love follows any expression of raw desperation.

On the rocks

Dear Bartender: What’s the difference between a gibson and a martini? And why won’t my wife let me kiss her any more?

— Angry Andy

Dear Angry: It’s the onion, doofus.

Sunday In The Park With Ruff

Dear Bartender: I’m a mature, handsome white male who has always been bi-curious. When I met Oscar about five years ago, it was magic. We’ve been living together ever since. I guess I’d describe the relationship as open but committed. Early on, we developed a habit of cruising the local parks together after dinner. When I found a hot trick, he’d wait around for me. When he did, I usually got to watch. But on those frequent nights when the well was dry, we would wander home and I’d invite Oscar into my own bed. Eventually, we started skipping the park.

But a week ago, this raging bitch moved in next door, and Oscar’s love hole permanently puckered shut. He doesn’t even leave the kitchen any more when I’m in the house. I set up a web cam, and now I can see from work that he’s going out three or four times a day through his special door. It’s not hard to connect the dots! He’s fallen for the bitch next door and I’ve become nothing but a sow’s ear that’s lucky to get sloppy seconds!

My mother says she’s surprised that Oscar put up with me for as long as he did. Some help that is. Move on to what, Mom!?!?! Once you’ve had the pick of the litter, there’s no going back!

Sure, I’m bi-curious, so I could try to experiment with men or women, but I need Oscar back. Any ideas?

Signed,
About to neuter him in Nebraska

Dear Dog Lover: Oscar’s got you pretty well trained. I’d suggest reversing the dynamic back to something closer to what nature intended. Have you considered tastier treats?

TNG

Dear Bartender: My wife just told me she’s sleeping with my nephew. She says he looks just like me twenty years ago. She’s aged a lot better than I have. I don’t see the resemblance between me and my nephew but I guess he does sort of have my eyes. What I want to figure out is, Does that make it OK?

— Danny

Dear Danny: Nothing’s going to make it OK but I’ll freshen that drink if you promise to lock up your grandchildren if they start “looking like you” anytime soon.

On The House

Once again, I wanted to share some of the search terms people out there are using to find this site:

GAY HUSBAND LISTERINE
WOMEN GETTING MILITARY HAIRCUTS
ALCOHOLIC DRINKS TO MAKE YOU SICK
SEXY GROPES
GAY PROSTITUTES FOR HUSBANDS
CAN YOU SUE YOUR BOSS FOR YELLING AT YOU
T
ANDERSON COOPER IN A HOUSEDRESS CNN + SAMMY DAVIS JR
NAVY BLUE VELVET SLACKS FOR MEN
LOVING BARTENDERS AND WHY THEY ARE WRONG
BARTENDER PUTTING COCAINE IN DRINKS

Just in case any of you were looking at the person next to you and wondering what might be a good conversation opener.

Love Is, Part 2

Dear Bartender: Last night, right before last call at my favorite bar, I picked up a muscle stud — which is the next best thing to being one, I guess. It was fun, but I’m hoping you can shed some light on why he flexed his arms so much during the sex; he seemed to be working awfully hard to try to turn me on. Are all muscle studs that insecure? Should I stop going to the gym or what?

Signed,

Slim

Dear Slim: I hate to be one to tell you but he was much more interested in turning on himself. Your job was to look impressed.

Love Is…

Dear Bartender: Am I allowed to punch the guy who’s screwing my wife?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering: That depends. Do you or do you not want her to know that you give a fuck?

Mitch ‘n’ Match, Part 3

Dumb Dora was so dumb, when I asked how she took her coffee she said [BLANK].

Bare Cub

Dear Bartender: I accompanied my son to the theater this afternoon for an outing with his cub scout troop. I asked the troop leader at intermission where one of the other scouts was, and the leader replied that the little boy’s mother called him to explain that they wouldn’t be attending because they couldn’t afford to go. This was said matter of fact, not as gossip (though it probably should have not been repeated to me, or anyone else). Through hard work (and LOTS of luck) I happen to be in a position where money is not a great worry for my family. It would have been very easy for me to foot the $35 or so for the little boy and a parent to attend the show, and I would have been delighted to have done so. Is there anything I could have done, or do at this point — or anything I could do — to prevent this from happening in the future? I don’t want to embarrass anyone and would be interested in doing it anonymously, but even though I consider myself to be rather bright in most situations I am stumped. Maybe I am just too close to the situation to see the obvious answer? I read you all the time and find your answers to be insightful and on the money. I hope you can help.

— Fortunate in Pennsylvania

Dear Fort: Yes, you’re too close to see the obvious. Charity is almost always good but that doesn’t mean it should be spread around willy-nilly. Leave the kid alone. The last thing he probably needs is pity from the likes of you.

Pull My Finger

Dear Bartender: I recently read that Carol Burnett had surgery to reduce the size of her left earlobe. It seems that years of tugging on it caused it to grow longer. Do you think that this whole tugging thing might work on other parts of the body?

Signed,

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Tugger: Yes but despite what Jocelyn Elders says I’m pretty sure it will also make you blind.