An age-old question

Dear Bartender: I’m a single gay man, reasonably devoted to going to gym to keep in shape so I might be able to attract prey… but I can’t seem to stop eating a shitty diet. Result is decent arms/chest but still unattractive midsection. Love handles and spare tire just won’t go away.  How can a man motivate his diet as much as his gym routine so he isn’t a chronic, pathetic fat-ass loser?

Dear Fat-Ass: There is a well-worn path to better self-esteem for guys like you, but it takes time, and you gotta be willing to put in the hours.

Get old. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you see how fat your friends are.

Blitzkrieg

Dear Bartender: As far as I can see, I am the first German on your page, so “Guten Tag” and “Wie geht’s” to you!

I am very interested in a band member of an American band that will be touring in Germany soon. We have written e-mails almost daily for the last year and a half after I saw him at a gig and fell in love with his shy smile. Our communication ranges from tame to outright flirty.

Yet despite the flirting, he seems strangely evasive. In London, where we first met “properly,” he suggested a steamy night together – then immediately excused himself and said that he was being “too cheeky.” After he had returned to the States and we continued writing e-mails, he mentioned that it was very responsible of us not to have fooled around. I’m not a supermodel but I certainly have charisma and curves in all the right places and – thanks to many years in the service industry – an open and friendly approach to people, although I can be very outspoken at times. My best friend (who is a man) claimed that I probably intimidated the guy. Apparently, I seem to do this to people.

He keeps referring to himself as “weak” and claims that he would get on my nerves after three days. He plays in Germany at the end of the month it’s also his birthday and I would like to give him a nice birthday kiss. A nice DEEP birthday kiss. How do I get past his shyness and his evasiveness and do you think he likes me at all?

–Flustered Waitress

Dear Waitress: Three days? He’s being too kind. He got on my nerves after three paragraphs.

His use of “cheeky” notwithstanding, he’s clearly an American. Americans can be direct in many ways – but sex ain’t one of them.

Tell him you’d love to get to know him better, but you don’t get the whole cat-and-mouse thing. Tell him it’s not the way people do things in your country. Ask him to explain how people do this kind of thing in America. Act interested in his answer – then, halfway through it, plant your birthday kiss.

Note to readers: You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged much lately. Congratulations on being observant.

Blame Canada

Dear Bartender: Please help me. I need to “break up” with my ex-husband.

We divorced two years ago but he still seems to think we are married. There are no kids involved, and we dissolved all joint property last year (thank god!). Nevertheless, he calls me every day and thinks that just because we occasionally have sex once or twice a month that we are still “a couple.”

This is seriously getting in the way of me keeping a boyfriend. My last potential b.f. surprised me one morning showing up with a picnic basket and a whole day of sex planned. My ex-husband had just spent the night and subsequently was hiding in my hall closet! I admit it turned me on knowing he could see us through the door but I was terrified that he would get hurt if my b.f. found out. I don’t wish this man any ill, I just wish he’d go away.

Please don’t tell me to stop having sex with him. Tho the marriage wasn’t great, there was nothing wrong with the sex. (Is there anything, ever, wrong with sex?)

Just need some advice.

Sincerely,

TMJ

Dear Sex Addict: I would never steer you away from great sex. Christ, from the sound of your letter I could hardly peel you from it with a hot spatula.

Yet you’re clearly stuck. It’s not your husband who can’t let go — it’s you. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you actually don’t have a problem, that you’re pretty happy with the way things are. You only need to set one or two boundaries. My suggestion: handcuff him to the bedroom radiator and make him watch as you fuck whatever crosses your threshold. You will drive him crazy — and toying with his emotions is clearly what gets you off.

Yet again

Dear Readers: I got the following two letters recently:

Dear Bartender: So, Saturday night I went to a bar with a group of friends and I decided to buy a round of drinks. I’m usually a nice customer and I asked the bartender to take a shot with me and tipped him well after he closed my tab.

I asked for his name and I told him mine. He then told me that he is moving to a different bar and will be working there Tues and Wed. I asked if he was going to remember me if I go visit and he said yes.

Is he working me to become a regular customer or was he interested?

And the 2nd letter:

Dear Bartender: About a month and a half ago I was introduced to a bartender at the bar where my coworkers and I were having drinks. I’d always assumed that his flirty attitude was him simply “doing his job.” Recently though he suggested I go to a bar where he was going after work. i asked if the place was worth going to, and he replied I will be there so of course it was worth going to. I went and we spent most of the night talking, sharing our life stories, he introduced me to some of his friends, and anytime he would leave he would assure me that he would be right back. I am still quite apprehensive simply because he is a bartender.

Is he really interested?

So, Readers, I was tempted to simply say that I’ve answered this question before (and not just once, either) — but then I read the second letter more carefully.

People: Bartenders flirt. Enjoy it. Have fun. By all means, flirt back. But it’s a safe bet in the end he’s not trying to sleep with you.

I gotta admit, however, that if he invites you out to another bar, one he doesn’t work at, and spends the entire night exchanging life stories and introducing you to his friends — you may indeed have found your next squeeze.

Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

Dear Bartender: My 50s style boyfriend and I are trying to make the transition to just being friends, but we’re having trouble, erm, “unlearning” some habits of the physical nature. He’s just too handsome, with his hair all slicked upward, his two-tone shoes and his key lime pie 59 Chevy. But he wants to run off ~ solo ~ to LA to be an actor, and I’d like to start a family. It’s a hopeless affair, especially as I turned 39 today and my eggs are running amok. How do we stop this madness and get on with our lives? Garlic? Fisticuffs? Ill-fitting jeans?

~Yolked up

Dear Yolked: Great sex is great sex. Just because he wants to bolt doesn’t mean you have to give up the blue parts if you’re still having fun. Just memorize everything he’s doing and start thinking of ways to to teach it to the next potential Baby Daddy.

If great sex were food, it would be a soufflé — either dessert or the whole dinner.

He Love Me, He Love Me Not

Dear Bartender: So here is my situation: Yes at the local bar where my friends and I go all of the time I have a huge crush on the bartender! I know, I know avoid at all costs! However, he happens to be friends of my friends as well so he isn’t just some random bartender.

Anyway I let him know I was interested (getting drunk and giving him my number – I know mistake number 1!). I didn’t expect anything when I woke up the next day, I even felt a little dumb about seeing him again, but now every time I come in to his bar he hugs me, usually doesn’t charge me, tells me not to tip him and sometimes when I come to the bar to order a drink he will just lean over the bar to kiss me on my cheek! Even if the bar is packed he will take time out to talk to me or if I’m leaving, to leave the bar to give me a hug goodbye! And even when the bar is packed, I will look over at him and well catch each other’s eyes.

The other night when I came in he was just managing the bar so he wasn’t technically bartending. He came over and sat with me and talked to me all night. And we talked about real substantive things – like books, religion, etc. Then my friends were going to the store and I had mentioned I needed cigarettes and he just gave them money for them and asked my friends to buy them for me (he even knew what kind I smoked). When I was leaving he tried to get me to stay but I needed to wake up for work so I left. However, he hasn’t tried calling me or even asked me out.

I dated a bartender/bar owner for a long time so I get it: you’re a bartender. Your job is to flirt with pretty girls, make them come back, buy drinks etc. Girls try to hit on you all the time. But this time I think the guy may really be into me but I don’t know how to take it outside the bar where he works. I think he just takes for granted that he will see me at the bar at least once a week! Or maybe this is just an ego thing because I made it apparent I was into him? I’m not sure – am I confusing the signs? Is he just doing what a bartender should do? When is it bartender etiquette and when does the bartender ever like the girl?

Thanks,
Totally confused!

Dear ‘fused: You’re confused for a very good reason: this guy is doing everything he can think of to ‘fuse you. God knows what his agenda is but he’s sure not trying to be your boyfriend. Don’t tell him I told you, though, or those free drinks will disappear quicker than you can do a shot of Key Lime Pie.

He’s playing games. It’s his job. You know this already.

And, maybe I’m being too cynical here, but… that part about not tipping? He only means for you to tip him more subtly.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I or any other bartender hasn’t hit on a customer and meant it once or twice. It’s just that, when we do, you won’t have to ask if we’re serious.

Crazy He Calls Me

Dear Bartender: I met this crazy guy the other night in a neighborhood bar. It was rather fortuitous because I was feeling a little suicidal that evening and I told him about it as we were talking. Turns out he’s a former psychologist. I took it as a sign and brought him home with me. We’ve talked since, and he is indeed almost as nuts as I am but here’s my question. If a guy tells you he has a brain tumor should you proceed with the relationship? I’m not sure if he was kidding or not. Should I demand medical records before taking it any further? On the other hand, I’m not looking for long term commitment so it could work out.

— CrazyBus

Dear Lunatic: Anyone who would tease a suicidal person about having a brain tumor of his own is definitely worth getting to know, at least in my book. In fact, it’s the best pick-up line I’ve heard in a long time. Sounds win/win to me, since, if the tumor is real, nursing him through treatment — say, Gamma Knife radiosurgery or something worse (depending on operability) — might take your focus off your own problems. The two of you could turn it into a game, maybe, each trying to outlast the other, with the winner getting the spoils, say, either his tumor in a jar or your suicide note in a pretty frame.

Us crazy people should, after all, stick together, don’t you think?

Keep it coming, people. These are the kinds of questions I like.

24 & There’s So Much More

Dear Bartender: As a bartender this must be the most common thing you hear: I have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She will make the perfect wife/mother. She is very caring and loves me more than anyone else. But we are only 24. I feel the urge to have sex with other women as I want to experience all that life has to offer. I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but still want to fuck other women. My girlfriend is the jealous type and would never understand something like this. She would not believe that I could satisfy my sex drive with other women, while still being intimately in love with her. One day I want us to get married and have children. But I realize my sex drive will only last so long and do not want to regret it passing me by. I don’t want to be deceitful or hurt her. I don’t want to resent her. How do I reconcile sex and love?

Dear Wants It All: First things first. Your girlfriend is not the “jealous type.” The correct way to describe a girlfriend who doesn’t want her man fucking other women is “female.” You’re not the first man to have this problem.

Mother Nature designed men and women with the proliferation of the species in mind, not your personal satisfaction. Man is born wanting to spread his seed; woman is born seeking to secure a safe haven for her young. That these two things are in conflict is the reason Hollywood has produced an excess of romantic comedies.

In short, you want what every other male on the planet wants: to fuck around without consequence. Sadly, it don’t work that way — the occasional exceptions notwithstanding. (Many gay male couples — ones who have come to grips with evolutionary reality — have enduring relationships that are less than monogamous, to give one example.) It’s unlikely you’re going to get all the sex you want without going behind your gf’s back.

The alternative is to wait until she gets restless — it happens around age 35 — and broker a deal, tit for tat. But by that time, alas, your sex drive will be on the downhill side of Mount Everybody.

Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor.

What Would Miss Manners Say?

Dear Bartender: What is it about dating in NYC??? Recently, I was having a meaningful evening with a date and he spent the entire evening across the table, texting his friends. Don’t you think this is extremely RUDE! Oh, and the worst part was that we were having sex at the time. Thoughts?

Signed,

IM Sad

Dear Sad: The next time you’re having sex with someone, it would be useful to let him know. Send him a text, maybe. Or hit him on the head with your princess phone.

You Can’t Go Home Again

Dear Bartender: I have recently moved back to my hometown and thought it would be good to get out and mingle. I called up a friend and we decided to go to a local bar to see if anyone we knew still worked there. The bar was under new ownership so the entire staff had changed. The place was busy for a weeknight so we sat down and I ordered my usual drink.

As the night went on my friend left me to go over to a table with some random guys and I stayed at the bar watching TV. I started asking the bouncer and bartender if they knew what had happened to the old staff, and if they still came in every so often. After we chatted for a bit him and the bartender told me they thought it was funny how I had shrugged guys off throughout the night that were trying to buy me drinks. I told them I wasn’t interested in guys buying me drinks, I was able to buy my own. I also hate when guys try to get in my space when they are drunk, its not a turn on! They found me amusing and we ended up talking for the next hour while my friend was over getting drunk with the random guys who had hit on us earlier. When I asked for the check he asked me if I would come back in some time, I told him maybe but probably not because I am not big into the bar scene.

He gave me my check and I looked up at him because I noticed he had taken off a couple of drinks, he smiled and started helping another customer. He came back over and asked me again why I would not come back in. I told him if he was that concerned about not seeing me again he should just ask me for my phone number. He got super red and the bouncer I was talking with all night started giving him a hard time. He encouraged the bartender to get my number and take me out. I told him we should all go out, it would be a good time. The bouncer suggested we meet back at the bar in a couple days and all go out from there. I told them that would be ok but I didn’t want to stay at the bar. The bouncer gave me his number and told me to call him if I couldn’t make it. I was a little unsure because the bartender was so hesitant to get my number, but agreed to meet up in a couple of days to go out.

Are they just trying to get people to come into the bar? I am up for hanging out with new people but I don’t want to show up with my friend and feel like a complete fool!

Signed-
Foolishly Flirty

Dear Flirty: I’ve distilled your question down to this: A bartender bought you a couple of drinks and then acted like he didn’t want to go out on a date. Are you missing something?

Yes. He wants you to come to the bar. It’s a compliment: he wants attractive customers. But forget any designs you may have had on a relationship with him outside of the box.

The bouncer, on the other hand, is ready to rumble. If you meet up with him, pack extra condoms.

Out with the old?

Dear Bartender: Happy new year! Should I go for the old guy of last year, who’s reliable and predictable, or should I go with the young babe of this year, who is not so predictable and is as fresh as a baby’s bottom?

Love,

Hairy Harry

Dear Hairy: Stick with the tried and true. Unpredictable is way overrated and babies’ bottoms aren’t all that fresh.

Friendly

Dear Bartender: Hi there! My question is one I’m hoping you’ll have an answer to…

I’ve been singing in bars and resturants for a few months now. My first gig was at a Beer Cafe in Perth Western Australia and I met this bartender who just captured me. It could’ve been because I was in a vulnerable position, being my first gig and all, but he was so appealing to me. Yeh, I know it’s your job to be nice and I could be wrong but, I’m sure there was some flirting going on. Unfortunately, my duo got a regular spot at a different venue that offered more cash and because I’m the new kid I didn’t really get much of a choice in the matter. So, in total, we gigged at this Beer Cafe twice and at the second gig when we saw each other he winked at me and later on I noticed him standing watching me. Yes, I’m probably reading into it way too much. I suppose I felt some kind of connection, however cliché that sounds. OK, so my question is this – 1) What signs show this bartender could be interested in me? and 2) how do I make it clear to him that I’m interested enough to be asked out? I have a funny (annoying) way of ignoring the exact man I want. Could I get away with just walking in on a quiet evening and asking him out myself? Or is that a turn off? I know there would be cultural differences between you and him but there is no resource like this in Australia. Your best guess would be muchly welcomed.

Cheers,

-socially naïve

p.s. he is probably around the 30 yr old mark and I’m 25. 🙂

Dear 25: 1) A good bartender will flirt with anyone he wants to stick around his bar. That might be because that person tips well, other customers find this person attractive, or the bartender himself finds this person attractive. A good bartender will make invisible any distinction among these three criteria. That doesn’t help much, does it?

2) You’ve probably already made it clear. He hasn’t made the first move, so you should. Asking him out on a slow night would be a mistake. Ask him out on a busy night, when there are enough distractions that he can pretend he doesn’t understand you. Bartenders often have a hard time making a clear distinction between professional friendliness and honest romantic interest. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Meanwhile, if you want to encourage a yes, invite him somewhere specific, and where there will be other people. Invite him to a concert. Invite him to one of your shows. Invite him to an orgy.

Bartenders make great friends. Getting them to be friends on the other side of the bar will take extra patience and special attention. But it’s almost always worth it.

Playing With Fire

Dear Bartender: My fianceé is a bartender in a local bar in her home town. She has been there for 6 years and has quite a few regulars, most of whom go there only looking to score with her.

She was married when I met her, and it hit me when I went in there one night with friends that she was quite miserable being married, only she had two kids with the guy and didn’t want to leave him if she couldn’t find anything better. So anyhow, here I come, and we immediately fall in love and are engaged a year and a half later.

She loves me going up there when she works, and I have every night since we met to help her close it up and clean up since the managers leave no one behind when she closes.

Anyhow, she is not the most beautiful woman I’ve dated, but every time I am there someone is hitting on her, and some guys do it for months at a time. I know she is working for tips, but the thought is I know she cheated on her ex so I worry she would do the same to me.

She isn’t, but I can’t help but have the jealousy feeling, and I get angry at the guys that come in there after her and tell her that one night with them and she’ll never go back. Sorry for filling your page. But what do you recommend for me to get over that jealous feeling? Anything?

will-ohio

Dear Will: Uh, the time to wonder if this woman is OK with being married and sleeping with her customers was when she was married and sleeping with you. That sounds harsh, but you gotta admit it’s a little late in the game to be asking that question.

I’m not saying she’ll cheat on you. There’s no way to know if any woman will treat all of her husbands the same. For all I know your jealous rages turn her on, and that’s what she was missing from every husband up till now.

Still, getting married is not unlike jumping out of a plane, with trust being the parachute. You can do it without the parachute, but perhaps it’s smarter not to jump.

With a schmear

Dear Bartender: I really like this cute girl who works behind the counter at the cafe at my gym. She’s really sweet and always puts extra peanut butter on my onion bagel. Once, they were even down to their last onion bagel and she put it aside for me!

Is she in love with me or what?

–Is a Girl, Likes Girls

PS I have a problem with depression. 

Dear Girl Who Likes Girls: Risking as I am making you more depressed, this girl is flirting with you; that’s all. Enjoy it, accept the extra peanut butter and the occasional saved-for-you bagel, and by all means flirt back. But anyone who thinks a friendly service person is actually hitting on her is in for a disappointment.

There’s a reason friendly people choose the service industry and not, say, the assembly line.

A League of Her Own

Dear Bartender: There’s a guy I have a crush on, but I’m way out of his league. Wait–before you say “Wha?” let me explain. I’ve dated guys beneath me before and it always goes wrong! All they can talk about is how beautiful I am, how they never thought they’d get a girl like me, how all their friends are soooooo jealous.

It gets dull. Fast.

When I’ve dated guys equally or more attractive than me, there’s not a problem. Then, we just talk about the things everyone else talks about, like celebrity nose jobs and reality TV.

Please don’t dismiss me as vain; I’m only telling it like is (like you, do Mitch!).

So, my question: When (if) I approach this out-of-my-league guy, how can I delicately suggest some grooming improvement without making him think I don’t find him attractive? All I want is some decent conversation! Is that even, like, possible these days?

–Cincinnati

Dear Cincinnati: Let’s say you are as attractive as you think you are. You’re right, you’ll get nowhere with this guy. He’ll be too overcome with excitement that you’ve even deigned to look at him to do anything but wet his pants. If you can manage to convince him that you’re not a hooker who’s lost her john, when he finally unknots his tongue you’ll hear nothing but the blather you’re trying so hard to avoid.

I think you should approach him with your nose scotch-taped to your forehead. After all, don’t we want him to love you for your inner beauty?

What You Don’t Know

Dear Bartender: Assuming you know the answer to this, how many dates with a guy before I’m allowed to Google him?

Dear Stalker: I’m flattered that you would assume I know the answer to your question. For the record, I know everything. Most bartenders do. Or, at least, that’s the idea. Sometimes I forget what’s in an Alabama Slammer but the rest of the time I’m a pretty good resource.

The correct time to Google your date is after the marriage proposal but before you give your answer.

Toot Sweets

Dear Bartender: You’re a guy right? And you’ve probably had sex with a woman you care about somewhat, right? Not a one night stand but say, maybe, someone you’ve been having sex with for almost 9 months but without any form of commitment? And say this woman, who you’ve never known to be flatulent, suddenly, how shall we say it delicately, “has a moment of loss of control” and farts during sex? Is that the end of romance? Will sex ever be the same again? Especially if the relationship is tenuous???? I need to know what a guy thinks. Thanks.

–Pristene.

Dear Pristene: Yes, I am a guy. Whew. Thank goodness we can agree on that much. The rest we can pretend is irrelevant for now.

Farting during sex: that’s a nugget I’ll tuck away the next time I want to quickly end a one-night stand.

Ending a 9-month relationship will take some more imagination.

Unless, of course, the relationship was over already, and all that was missing was an exit cue. If he leaves you, Pristine, because of your momentary loss of below-the-belly-button control, take heart that he would have left you very soon anyway.

I’d say your bigger worry right now is whether your fart actually turned him on.

Gone Daddy Gone

Dear Bartender: Well it seems I’ve stepped into one of the most vile bounds of the relationship game. About a month ago I ended a 4-year relationship. Since the breakup I’ve been seeing one of her friends (and yes we’ve slept together). To be fair though I’ve known her and have hooked up with her (the current friend of the ex) before I ever met the ex. So basically, am I going to hell?

— Stevie Brooklyn

Dear Stevie: First, Dear Everyone: my apologies to readers who’ve written in and to whom I’ve not responded. Hotmail is spamming mail on me like crazy. Even Stevie Brooklyn’s letter was junked. Junked! It’s a valid question, involving themes we’ve touched on here before, including sex, dating, girlfriends and men who are terrified that women are running their lives. Can’t those hotmail loonies figure that out?

If I’ve neglected a question out there, please re-send. Some of you may be thirsty for advice. Some of you just might be thirsty. If that’s the case, I’ve made some extra kamikaze shots. On the house. Really.

So, Stevie, your question: Are you going to hell? No. Not unless your ex has discovered the ability to send you there. You and your ex are done. Finished. No more. Why you think she should have any say in your love life now is just dumb. She may think differently but, like I said, you and she are done. There’s no “there” there. Got that?

Your new girlfriend and your ex will have their own issues to work out, like whether they can still be friends or resist comparing notes on your shortcomings. None of that should obscure the main point: An ex is ex is ex.

Don’t invite her the wedding.

Uncomfortable

Dear Bartender: My girlfriend likes to drink whiskey. I don’t. I had some Southern Comfort once back in the ’90s and that was the end of my drinking dark liquor.

My problem: When we go to bars, she always says her drink is too weak. She then asks me to taste it to confirm.

OK, so I taste it. But I hate whiskey so much that any amount is too much, and, invariably, I tell her that it’s too strong.

She then acts like she hates me. What’s a guy to do?

Dear Hated: First things first: it breaks my heart that you’re judging all dark liquor harshly because of a bad date with SoCo in the ’90s. SoCo is whiskey-based, yes, but it’s also flavored with peach brandy, orange, cinnamon, sugar and vanilla. That’s not exactly what I’d call whiskey.

OK, so now that I’ve gotten that off my chest… What’s stopping you from making a face and saying, “Sure doesn’t taste right to me”?

Sleeping with the enemy

Dear Bartender: I met a guy who was pretty cute and seemed nice. He gave me his e-mail. The problem is, he voted for George W. Bush TWICE. Once I might forgive, but twice? Should I contact him? I’m a socialist.

–Revolutionary

Dear Revolutionary: How cute is he? Never mind. Any successful LTR requires a certain amount of incompatibility. And even it doesn’t work out beyond the current administration, politics should never stand in the way of a good romp. As Woody Allen says in “Annie Hall,” about dating Eisenhower’s niece: “I was trying to do to her what he was doing to the country.”

What comes around goes around.