Archive for the ‘Bartending’ Category


What more can I say?

February 8, 2009

New Math

December 7, 2008

Dear Bartender: I’m no mathematician, but I’ve been thinking… If I go to a bar and drink 8 beers, tipping a dollar each beer, at $5 a pop I’ll spend $48.00. BUT, if I drink 8 beers and tip TWO dollars each time — and, as a consequence, the bartender comps me every fourth beer (not an unreasonable expectation, I hope) — I’ll spend only $46.00. It’s win/win for everyone! I’ve saved myself two bucks and doubled the bartender’s income. No small thing in these troubled times, am I right?


Dear Wizard: Yes, if you choose your bartender wisely. Think of yourself as Congress and your bartender as one of the Big Three; no sensible person should invest in something clueless.


Dads I’d Like to Do Once

September 8, 2008

Dear Bartender: My young daughter’s best friend’s dad is single, retired, seemingly rather well off, and taking a bartending class for fun. I’m single, poor and love to drink. I’m thinking of broaching the subject of him using me as a guinea pig for his bartending skills as a segue into checking out whether we might hit it off. It might be awkward but that’s really never stopped me from sticking my neck out before.

My question is, what drink or drinks should I ask him to make me that will be sending the message that I’m available? And don’t say a Harvey Wallbanger.


Dear  MILF: Since from your tone I’m guessing you’re also going to rule out a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall (or even better: a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall With Satin Pillows The Hard Way), I’m not sure what’s left. How about you just do the old fashioned thing and get him drunk? Short of hitting him on the head with a club, it’s about the easiest way for a woman to see if she and some guy she wants to fuck can manage to “hit it off.”


Yet again

August 3, 2008

Dear Readers: I got the following two letters recently:

Dear Bartender: So, Saturday night I went to a bar with a group of friends and I decided to buy a round of drinks. I’m usually a nice customer and I asked the bartender to take a shot with me and tipped him well after he closed my tab.

I asked for his name and I told him mine. He then told me that he is moving to a different bar and will be working there Tues and Wed. I asked if he was going to remember me if I go visit and he said yes.

Is he working me to become a regular customer or was he interested?

And the 2nd letter:

Dear Bartender: About a month and a half ago I was introduced to a bartender at the bar where my coworkers and I were having drinks. I’d always assumed that his flirty attitude was him simply “doing his job.” Recently though he suggested I go to a bar where he was going after work. i asked if the place was worth going to, and he replied I will be there so of course it was worth going to. I went and we spent most of the night talking, sharing our life stories, he introduced me to some of his friends, and anytime he would leave he would assure me that he would be right back. I am still quite apprehensive simply because he is a bartender.

Is he really interested?

So, Readers, I was tempted to simply say that I’ve answered this question before (and not just once, either) — but then I read the second letter more carefully.

People: Bartenders flirt. Enjoy it. Have fun. By all means, flirt back. But it’s a safe bet in the end he’s not trying to sleep with you.

I gotta admit, however, that if he invites you out to another bar, one he doesn’t work at, and spends the entire night exchanging life stories and introducing you to his friends — you may indeed have found your next squeeze.


Holds barred

August 1, 2008

Dear Bartender: I’ve been interested in bartending for a very long time now but always have been too afraid to try because I felt I would never be able to handle the drinks. But I’ve finally applied and have a trial shift at a very nice place. I love talking to people, asking questions and listening to their long answers, hearing their views on things…

Can you give me any advice on how to be a successful beginner bartender and prove to the management that I am the right person for the job? I’m not in this just to make lots of money or to get free drinks or meet attractive men. It just seems like a good job to talk to lots of different people in a laid-back environment.

I hope this message doesn’t sound too stupid. You’re a very witty and sarcastic person, so the last thing I need is a smart-ass response because I’m trying to be serious and hopefully get some good advice from a professional.


Dear Jackie. Ouch. Here I was all ready with a sarcastic, witty response and you go ahead and ask me to restrain myself.

So I’m stuck with, what? Answering your question? Jeez.

You’re already good at listening; that’s a great skill. The only things left are confidence, a killer smile, a quick wit, an ability to accurately count change and an uncanny knack at remembering who drinks what.

If you can manage all that, you’re home free. If you can’t, figure out your weak spots and compensate with an extraordinary ability in any of the other categories.

OK, people, your bartender Mitch will now return to his usual sarcastic and witty self. Beware.


Where have all the good times gone?

May 18, 2008

Dear Bartender: I like vodka tonics after work, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed an aversion to sweet things.

I’m thinking I’d like to find unsweetened tonic water, and then add Rose’s Lime juice or just a touch of sugar syrup or something to my own taste. I know they have diet tonic water, but it still tastes sweet (and gross).

Does anyone make carbonated tonic water with no sweetener?



Dear Will: Interestingly, tonic water will fluoresce under ultraviolet light. And if you find your tonic too bitter, you can add a pinch of salt.

But that has nothing to do with your question, which was how to find something carbonated that isn’t so sweet.

What happened to all the questions I used to get from slutty priests? Will, switch to vodka soda.


Money Changes Everything

May 16, 2008

Dear Bartender: I’ve been a bartender for a few years, and am just recently finding some work at private functions. I have a gig coming up on Saturday, it’s an African dance party. The person hiring me found me online, and asked me about my rates, and I have know idea what to say! Any functions I’ve ever done have been booked through the bar I was working at, so I was only paid my regular wage. This is the first time I’ll be hiring myself out, and I’m not sure what bartenders usually make. I’ll work about 7 hours including time to help set up the bar, and they are allowing me to have a tip cup, so what do I charge????? Thanks!


Dear Kira: I don’t know. Where do you live, in a big city or a small town? How many people are you expected to serve? How rich are the people hiring you?

How about this: decide how much you want to make total, divide it by 7 and then add $5, cuz you’re worth more than you think. And put that tip jar away — tip jars have no place at a private party.