Fill ‘er up

Dear Bartender: Here’s a question. It was posed by a normally somber but on this particular evening tipsy-loud fellow at a party. If someone asks for a Miller, what do you, as a bartender, give him: a Miller Lite or a Miller High-Life? Somber insisted that someone would order a High-Life if that’s what he wanted, but a “Miller” if he wanted a Miller Lite. And I guess men are too macho to add the Lite on themselves — they just want it understood.

Any help with this? I have a brother who’s a bartender and I suppose I could ask him, but I don’t want to bother him while his wife is pregnant.

–Matilda

Dear Sister: What does the pregnant wife have to do with anything?

If some guy ordered a “Miller” from me, I’d give him whatever Miller I had in the cooler — be it Lite, High Life, Gold or Miller Genuine Draft 64. If I had more than one kind, I’d give him a Miller Lite. You’re right that most men want the “Lite” part understood. It’s not so much that it’s not macho to be trying to lose weight and get drunk at the same time — it’s that it’s not consistent. Most guys try very hard to be consistent. It’s one of the things that separates us from you females.

Now please explain about your brother’s pregnant wife.

The Enemy Chorus

Dear Bartender: I don’t know if you remember me but I was the guy with the plaid shirt who was in your bar either last Thursday or Friday. I was hanging with my friend Sheila who was visiting from Santa Cruz. Does this ring any bells?

I’m writing because you were playing some great music, including this song that I’d never heard before that you told me was some band I’d never heard of. I should have written it down but I didn’t and now I can’t remember what it was.

Help? I don’t suppose you know what I’m talking about.

Dear Friend of Sheila: No, I don’t. But I thank you, nonetheless, for the opportunity to write about the semi- (or completely-) obscure bands I sometimes play at my bar. At some point, someone in one of those bands will Google the name and discover that good old Mitch has been attempting to introduce them to a wider/wilder audience.

Here are a few not-so-well-known songs that are currently in regular rotation at my bar when I’m working:

Allen Clapp: “Something Strange Happens”
Doc White: “Happy With You”
stuntdog: “Real of Anything”
Martha & The Muffins: “Women Around The World At Work”
Quantum Jump: “Starbright Park” and “Love Crossed (Like Vines In Our Eyes)”
Klaus Waldeck: “Jerry Weintraub”
Trio: “Hearts Are Trump”
The Earlies: “No Love In Your Heart”

Glad I could arrange an introduction, FOS.

He Love Me, He Love Me Not

Dear Bartender: So here is my situation: Yes at the local bar where my friends and I go all of the time I have a huge crush on the bartender! I know, I know avoid at all costs! However, he happens to be friends of my friends as well so he isn’t just some random bartender.

Anyway I let him know I was interested (getting drunk and giving him my number – I know mistake number 1!). I didn’t expect anything when I woke up the next day, I even felt a little dumb about seeing him again, but now every time I come in to his bar he hugs me, usually doesn’t charge me, tells me not to tip him and sometimes when I come to the bar to order a drink he will just lean over the bar to kiss me on my cheek! Even if the bar is packed he will take time out to talk to me or if I’m leaving, to leave the bar to give me a hug goodbye! And even when the bar is packed, I will look over at him and well catch each other’s eyes.

The other night when I came in he was just managing the bar so he wasn’t technically bartending. He came over and sat with me and talked to me all night. And we talked about real substantive things – like books, religion, etc. Then my friends were going to the store and I had mentioned I needed cigarettes and he just gave them money for them and asked my friends to buy them for me (he even knew what kind I smoked). When I was leaving he tried to get me to stay but I needed to wake up for work so I left. However, he hasn’t tried calling me or even asked me out.

I dated a bartender/bar owner for a long time so I get it: you’re a bartender. Your job is to flirt with pretty girls, make them come back, buy drinks etc. Girls try to hit on you all the time. But this time I think the guy may really be into me but I don’t know how to take it outside the bar where he works. I think he just takes for granted that he will see me at the bar at least once a week! Or maybe this is just an ego thing because I made it apparent I was into him? I’m not sure – am I confusing the signs? Is he just doing what a bartender should do? When is it bartender etiquette and when does the bartender ever like the girl?

Thanks,
Totally confused!

Dear ‘fused: You’re confused for a very good reason: this guy is doing everything he can think of to ‘fuse you. God knows what his agenda is but he’s sure not trying to be your boyfriend. Don’t tell him I told you, though, or those free drinks will disappear quicker than you can do a shot of Key Lime Pie.

He’s playing games. It’s his job. You know this already.

And, maybe I’m being too cynical here, but… that part about not tipping? He only means for you to tip him more subtly.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I or any other bartender hasn’t hit on a customer and meant it once or twice. It’s just that, when we do, you won’t have to ask if we’re serious.

Suck It Up

Dear Bartender: I was wondering if you can definitively answer the following burning question that my drunken friends are debating. Do olives, and/or cherries, actually absorb any vodka at all in their respective martinis, or are they already so soaked with brine (olive) and strange red mystery sugar juice (maraschino cherry) that they are actually incapable of absorbing any of the alcohol in the time frame that it generally takes an “average” person to consume a cocktail?

Thank you.

— Jeanette

Dear Jeanette: The question is moot; the “average” person doesn’t worry about things like that. Not when there’s a cocktail to be drank.