Every Diet Needs A Little Wiggle

Dear Bartender: At my recent birthday party I was introduced to creamed corn wrestling. At first I was tentative, but then found out how much fun it is. Now I’m planning more parties with wrestling but I’m having trouble deciding what medium to fill the pool with. Jell-O is very time consuming unless you buy the stuff online that is made for wrestling but I have my doubts about it. Also, I’m considering butterscotch pudding or cooking oil and pasta. The summer is just starting, so I guess I could just schedule a round of wrestle-o-ramas and try all of them. It’s funny, I turned 51 and now all I want to do is wrestle women in slimy stuff… while drinking Margaritas… arrriba!!!!

–Creamed

Dear Creamed: I went to a friend’s party last year that had a kiddie pool filled with J-Lube. Shit that stuff can get cold. Whatever you’re gonna wrestle in, I suggest that it be warmed up.

But I gotta ask: wy’d you leave chocolate pudding off your list? It was good enough for Hitchcock, you know.

Still, I’m sure my readers would agree that the most pressing question is: how does one finagle an invitation to one of your parties? I mean, if we all promise to bring our own spoons.

Hello, I Love You

Dear Bartender: How does one know if he/she is good looking? Is there a checklist or something you can run through to get the answer?

–Unsure

Dear Unsure: Start believing it the 10th time you hear it. Ten times from ten strangers is great, but that’s not to negate the value of hearing it 10 times from your spouse.

Where have all the good times gone?

Dear Bartender: I like vodka tonics after work, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed an aversion to sweet things.

I’m thinking I’d like to find unsweetened tonic water, and then add Rose’s Lime juice or just a touch of sugar syrup or something to my own taste. I know they have diet tonic water, but it still tastes sweet (and gross).

Does anyone make carbonated tonic water with no sweetener?

Thanks.

-Will

Dear Will: Interestingly, tonic water will fluoresce under ultraviolet light. And if you find your tonic too bitter, you can add a pinch of salt.

But that has nothing to do with your question, which was how to find something carbonated that isn’t so sweet.

What happened to all the questions I used to get from slutty priests? Will, switch to vodka soda.

Money Changes Everything

Dear Bartender: I’ve been a bartender for a few years, and am just recently finding some work at private functions. I have a gig coming up on Saturday, it’s an African dance party. The person hiring me found me online, and asked me about my rates, and I have know idea what to say! Any functions I’ve ever done have been booked through the bar I was working at, so I was only paid my regular wage. This is the first time I’ll be hiring myself out, and I’m not sure what bartenders usually make. I’ll work about 7 hours including time to help set up the bar, and they are allowing me to have a tip cup, so what do I charge????? Thanks!

–Kira

Dear Kira: I don’t know. Where do you live, in a big city or a small town? How many people are you expected to serve? How rich are the people hiring you?

How about this: decide how much you want to make total, divide it by 7 and then add $5, cuz you’re worth more than you think. And put that tip jar away — tip jars have no place at a private party.

A Man Needs A Maid

Dear Bartender: I am a straight white male into playing Maid. Doing it for money TOTALLY turns me off, so please don’t suggest I go professional. I simply want to clean women’s houses, either naked or in a uniform, while Madam either supervises or goes about her business. (She can be clothed or unclothed, as she wishes.) If she wants to tell me I’m doing a bad job and tell me how I can do it better, that’s great too. Sometimes I’ll have to trade parts of my uniform for another chance at proving myself. All good.

My question has to do with a woman whose husband came home “unexpectedly” after I’d completely gone stark naked in my effort to clean this woman’s book shelf to her satisfaction. This man not only got naked himself, but he took a totally authoritarian tone with me and ordered me to clean the kitchen on my hands and knees. I didn’t like taking orders from a mere man, and to make things worse I’d already cleaned the kitchen! The woman seemed to be having the same amount of fun with or without the husband, so I don’t see what he really added to anyone’s experience. Needless to say I did a half-assed job “re-cleaning” this man’s kitchen but I’m not sure he even noticed.

My question: at what point could I have said no? And if the lady calls me back, should I go?

If it makes any difference the husband is just as overweight as I am.

–ManMaid

Dear MaidMan: You rolled over far too quickly, Lassie. Madam would have loved nothing more than a good dogfight. When you go back, you’d better wear something extra special you can trade for that second chance.

Melt With You

Dear Bartender: I have been having a problem when serving frozen cocktails such as a margarita or pina colada. Almost every time all the ice ends up watering the flavor of the cocktail. Any sugestions?

–Nestor

Dear Nestor: Use more liquor. Or use less ice. Or serve the lightweights last. Or do what I do: make the first batch so fucking strong that everyone’s too bombed to know what they’re drinking next.

I got dem ol’ cosmic blues again

Dear Bartender: Do you think people really react differently to different booze, or is it just in their head? (ie. tequila makes you crazy, whiskey makes you aggressive…) What have you noticed?

–Lance

Dear Lance: I have noticed, among other things, that gin makes people angry.

Different booze definitely elicits different sides of people — which is why I encourage my customers to mix up their drinks now and then. The ones who haven’t yet figured out which liquor makes them schizophrenic are seriously missing out.

Happy 2029

Dear Bartender: My niece was born 5 months ago, and I got this idea from a book I read. This father had bought a bottle of wine when his daughter was born and they drank it 20 some odd years later. But I read that wine isn’t really meant to be kept for more than a few years. So I was wondering if you could recommend something that I could keep until her 21st birthday. I do not have an acquired taste for scotch so if there is anything else…

Thanks so much.

–Boomer

Dear Boomer: I’m a bartender, not a wine steward, but I’ll try to shed some light anyway.

Wine is packaged lots of ways — with screwcaps, corks, plastic corks, in bags inside boxes like breakfast cereal… That’s not your problem. Your problem, however it’s packaged, is how to store it for the next two decades while you wait for the kid to be of age.

You have two choices: Buy a bottle and drink it tonight or get yourself a good wine cellar. If the latter, you can store the damn stuff till you’re ready to celebrate when the kid turns ninety.

It’s raining, it’s pouring…

Dear Bartender: How do you know when to cut someone off? And when you do cut someone off, how do you do it?

–Slushy

Dear Slushy: The when depends on the who. I don’t cut everyone off at the same point of drunkenness. Some factors: Is he driving? What kind of drunk is he — happy, messy, angry, weepy? (Angry gets cut off first.) How familiar am I with his tolerance? I have a cheat sheet in my head of the regulars who can cross that fine line with little warning.

If it’s someone I don’t know, I watch how he interacts with the other customers — you know, to see if he’s bothering anyone or is getting sloppy. I’ve even cut off guys I didn’t know well who weren’t yet drunk but were drinking so much so fast that, should they suddenly cross some digital shift into totally plastered, I’d be pretty screwed if I had to tell my boss I’d only served him twenty gin rickies.

The how is easier. In a word: clearly. You don’t have to be mean about it if you’ve left no room for negotiation.

Cheers. Next one’s on me.