On the House

Dear Readers: Last Monday I bartended at a private party. One of the guests (as I was trying to make ten drinks at once) insisted on asking me what I did besides tend bar. “Are you an actor, model, what?” When I told him that I bartend, that’s all, he pushed harder. “No, no. What do you really do?”

“I’m a movie star, but that’s just my day job — until I can get my really big break tending bar! Wish me luck!!”

What did he think I was gonna say?

Since he wasn’t going to believe that I’m a bartender (as I made his drink), I caved and told him I’m a writer. That was enough for him to forge on: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot this week and I want you in my shoot.”

My question to you readers — and it’s kind of like Match Game! — is this: Since it didn’t seem to matter to this bozo that I’m not a fashion model, what should I have said? What would have been the best profession for him to have ignored in his effort to get to his point: that no matter what I say, I’m exactly what he thinks I am?

First nominee: Me: “I’m a serial killer.” Him: “Because I’m doing a fashion shoot…”

Tag, you’re it.

Dear Bartender: Do you fix a person’s tag that is standing up outside the shirt, dress, sweater, or whatever? I realize there are shades to this question: Where are you, how well do you know the person…

Do we need to create a chart of some sort? And if so, how do we get the word out to the people and enforce our findings?

Dear Tag: There’s an easy way to eliminate this problem entirely: Make it fashionable to have your tag sticking out. Kinda like having your collar up in the ’80s. It doesn’t have to be fashionable for long, just long enough so that, down the road, when you see someone’s tag sticking out, you can assume he’s being retro.