Sunday In The Park With Ruff

Dear Bartender: I’m a mature, handsome white male who has always been bi-curious. When I met Oscar about five years ago, it was magic. We’ve been living together ever since. I guess I’d describe the relationship as open but committed. Early on, we developed a habit of cruising the local parks together after dinner. When I found a hot trick, he’d wait around for me. When he did, I usually got to watch. But on those frequent nights when the well was dry, we would wander home and I’d invite Oscar into my own bed. Eventually, we started skipping the park.

But a week ago, this raging bitch moved in next door, and Oscar’s love hole permanently puckered shut. He doesn’t even leave the kitchen any more when I’m in the house. I set up a web cam, and now I can see from work that he’s going out three or four times a day through his special door. It’s not hard to connect the dots! He’s fallen for the bitch next door and I’ve become nothing but a sow’s ear that’s lucky to get sloppy seconds!

My mother says she’s surprised that Oscar put up with me for as long as he did. Some help that is. Move on to what, Mom!?!?! Once you’ve had the pick of the litter, there’s no going back!

Sure, I’m bi-curious, so I could try to experiment with men or women, but I need Oscar back. Any ideas?

Signed,
About to neuter him in Nebraska

Dear Dog Lover: Oscar’s got you pretty well trained. I’d suggest reversing the dynamic back to something closer to what nature intended. Have you considered tastier treats?