Match Game, Pt 14

Dear Readers: Damn, it’s almost Spring, and we haven’t played Match Game since Singapore’s last Racial Harmony Day. OK here goes:

Dumb Daisy was so dumb… when she ran out of tomato juice, she made her Bloody Marys with [BLANK].

What more can I say?

What the world needs now

Dear Bartender: I am getting married this upcoming May and I need a little help in figuring out the way in which my bar will operate.

We will have one bartender to serve out nearly 130 guests plus some helpers to assist with taking orders and beer. While we were thinking smaller kegs and kegerators for the bar, I am rethinking that perhaps bottles would be better, keeping them in large galvanized buckets with ice. Not only that but I wouldn’t have to deal with four different cooling units.

What do you think? Kegs? Bottles? Or a combination?

Second question. What kinds of alcohol will I need to create a full bar for my guests and per your experience how much will people drink. I figured that the advice of an expert might come in handy ’cause I am lost at this point.

Thanks a ton.

Dear Groom: Per my experience, people will drink half as much again as you think they will. Trust me on that one.

And just to clarify: I’m not a wedding planner, etiquette expert or professional caterer. You’re getting a bartender’s opinion. (You also didn’t ask an environmentalist, which is why I’ll tell you to go with the beer in bottles.)

There’s no need to stock your bar like you’re a hotel or an airport. Scotch, rum, vodka, gin, ice, some mixers and a decent red and white isn’t too little, provided you have a few non-alcoholic choices and you’ve already taken care of the champagne for the toast. And, there’s actually nothing to stop you from serving just the champagne. A wedding reception is just a party, albeit often a big one, and the liquor logic is the same: you serve what you want, in your best effort to make your guests happy. That said, you know better than I if one of your guests is gonna be crushed that you’re fresh out of Rumplemintz.

Cherry Jubilee

Dear Bartender: I am 24 years old and still somehow have not managed to lose my virginity. Heaven only knows why, as I am considered a quite attractive young lady. It just didn’t happen. I don’t just wanna go and bang some guy because of all the psychological effects the notorious first time is supposed to have on a girl. On the other hand, I’m pretty sick of missing out on all the hot, hot casual sexin’ going on all around me.

Now there’s this one guy who really means a lot to me. He’s made it perfectly clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship, which is fine ’cause things like that just can’t be forced.

Nevertheless, do you think I could ask him to be my first?

–Slightly Desperate

Dear Slightly: These things can’t be forced indeed. And I hope you’re not expecting too much of your first time, cuz the notorious effects aren’t just psychological. Good sex takes practice. Practice, practice, practice!

Which is why you wanna start practicing. I get it. Speaking of practice, briefly allow me a pause to accept that there doesn’t seem to be any question out there that I haven’t answered already.

Sure, go ahead. He’s not your brother, is he?

An age-old question

Dear Bartender: I’m a single gay man, reasonably devoted to going to gym to keep in shape so I might be able to attract prey… but I can’t seem to stop eating a shitty diet. Result is decent arms/chest but still unattractive midsection. Love handles and spare tire just won’t go away.  How can a man motivate his diet as much as his gym routine so he isn’t a chronic, pathetic fat-ass loser?

Dear Fat-Ass: There is a well-worn path to better self-esteem for guys like you, but it takes time, and you gotta be willing to put in the hours.

Get old. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you see how fat your friends are.

Well Hung

Dear Bartender: Could you suggest a cure for a hangover? I could use one, quick.

Dear Hung: Magnesium, Vitamin B1 or B6, oxygen… I’ve heard of a few remedies that may help a hangover, but the only cure I know was brought to this Earth by Satan himself: Hair of the Dog. After the first one I swear I can hear him laugh.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

Dear Bartender: I’m having my post-Christmas letdown early this year. Could you make mine a double?

Dear Letdown: One double coming up. I think I’ll join you. I’ve been listening to “Pet Sounds” again.

New Math

Dear Bartender: I’m no mathematician, but I’ve been thinking… If I go to a bar and drink 8 beers, tipping a dollar each beer, at $5 a pop I’ll spend $48.00. BUT, if I drink 8 beers and tip TWO dollars each time — and, as a consequence, the bartender comps me every fourth beer (not an unreasonable expectation, I hope) — I’ll spend only $46.00. It’s win/win for everyone! I’ve saved myself two bucks and doubled the bartender’s income. No small thing in these troubled times, am I right?

–Wizard

Dear Wizard: Yes, if you choose your bartender wisely. Think of yourself as Congress and your bartender as one of the Big Three; no sensible person should invest in something clueless.

Tingle all the way

Dear Bartender: What does it mean when your hands are always tingling? Is it a sign of alcohol abuse or does it mean you spend too much time on the Internet? Or does it mean you are having a stroke? Or does it mean that you want to do something you have always wanted to do and have yet failed to do? Are you an MD as well as a mixologist?

–Tingling digits

Dear Digits: I’m no MD, but clearly you will be dead within the hour, so I won’t worry about your diagnosis. The rest of you people, especially the alive ones,  heed this advice: Life is far too short. Drink up. Last call comes sooner than you think.

Foster Children

Dear Bartender: What’s a good mixer for Bacardi? I like how fast it works to feel the effects but I can’t stand the taste. Rather than waste what’s left of the bottle, I’d like to numb the bite.

–BAM

Dear BAM: Allow me my personal prejudices. The only good use I’ve found for rum is Bananas Foster. But to be honest, I’ve yet to try the intriguing-sounding Dark & Stormy. I suggest you try it and get back to me.

Blitzkrieg

Dear Bartender: As far as I can see, I am the first German on your page, so “Guten Tag” and “Wie geht’s” to you!

I am very interested in a band member of an American band that will be touring in Germany soon. We have written e-mails almost daily for the last year and a half after I saw him at a gig and fell in love with his shy smile. Our communication ranges from tame to outright flirty.

Yet despite the flirting, he seems strangely evasive. In London, where we first met “properly,” he suggested a steamy night together – then immediately excused himself and said that he was being “too cheeky.” After he had returned to the States and we continued writing e-mails, he mentioned that it was very responsible of us not to have fooled around. I’m not a supermodel but I certainly have charisma and curves in all the right places and – thanks to many years in the service industry – an open and friendly approach to people, although I can be very outspoken at times. My best friend (who is a man) claimed that I probably intimidated the guy. Apparently, I seem to do this to people.

He keeps referring to himself as “weak” and claims that he would get on my nerves after three days. He plays in Germany at the end of the month it’s also his birthday and I would like to give him a nice birthday kiss. A nice DEEP birthday kiss. How do I get past his shyness and his evasiveness and do you think he likes me at all?

–Flustered Waitress

Dear Waitress: Three days? He’s being too kind. He got on my nerves after three paragraphs.

His use of “cheeky” notwithstanding, he’s clearly an American. Americans can be direct in many ways – but sex ain’t one of them.

Tell him you’d love to get to know him better, but you don’t get the whole cat-and-mouse thing. Tell him it’s not the way people do things in your country. Ask him to explain how people do this kind of thing in America. Act interested in his answer – then, halfway through it, plant your birthday kiss.

Note to readers: You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged much lately. Congratulations on being observant.

Dads I’d Like to Do Once

Dear Bartender: My young daughter’s best friend’s dad is single, retired, seemingly rather well off, and taking a bartending class for fun. I’m single, poor and love to drink. I’m thinking of broaching the subject of him using me as a guinea pig for his bartending skills as a segue into checking out whether we might hit it off. It might be awkward but that’s really never stopped me from sticking my neck out before.

My question is, what drink or drinks should I ask him to make me that will be sending the message that I’m available? And don’t say a Harvey Wallbanger.

–MILF

Dear  MILF: Since from your tone I’m guessing you’re also going to rule out a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall (or even better: a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall With Satin Pillows The Hard Way), I’m not sure what’s left. How about you just do the old fashioned thing and get him drunk? Short of hitting him on the head with a club, it’s about the easiest way for a woman to see if she and some guy she wants to fuck can manage to “hit it off.”

Don’t let your left hand know…

Dear Bartender: I got married fifteen months ago. On my honeymoon, I was surprised to hear my husband tell me that I was no longer allowed to masturbate. I’ll admit that I agreed to this at the time — but mostly because we were then regularly having sex.

Since then, sex has become infrequent. Am I obliged to abide by his rules?

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: Masturbation is not to be confused with infidelity. While there may be circumstances under which a spouse may legitimately request limits on his partner’s masturbation (I’m thinking of a non-cheating spouse who masturbates but denies her husband sex), to masturbate is not to cheat. It doesn’t matter whom you think about when you masturbate; it’s not the same as cheating.

My opinion is this: If masturbation doesn’t get in the way of a healthy sex life with your husband, he has no business telling you not to do it.

Blame Canada

Dear Bartender: Please help me. I need to “break up” with my ex-husband.

We divorced two years ago but he still seems to think we are married. There are no kids involved, and we dissolved all joint property last year (thank god!). Nevertheless, he calls me every day and thinks that just because we occasionally have sex once or twice a month that we are still “a couple.”

This is seriously getting in the way of me keeping a boyfriend. My last potential b.f. surprised me one morning showing up with a picnic basket and a whole day of sex planned. My ex-husband had just spent the night and subsequently was hiding in my hall closet! I admit it turned me on knowing he could see us through the door but I was terrified that he would get hurt if my b.f. found out. I don’t wish this man any ill, I just wish he’d go away.

Please don’t tell me to stop having sex with him. Tho the marriage wasn’t great, there was nothing wrong with the sex. (Is there anything, ever, wrong with sex?)

Just need some advice.

Sincerely,

TMJ

Dear Sex Addict: I would never steer you away from great sex. Christ, from the sound of your letter I could hardly peel you from it with a hot spatula.

Yet you’re clearly stuck. It’s not your husband who can’t let go — it’s you. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you actually don’t have a problem, that you’re pretty happy with the way things are. You only need to set one or two boundaries. My suggestion: handcuff him to the bedroom radiator and make him watch as you fuck whatever crosses your threshold. You will drive him crazy — and toying with his emotions is clearly what gets you off.

Yet again

Dear Readers: I got the following two letters recently:

Dear Bartender: So, Saturday night I went to a bar with a group of friends and I decided to buy a round of drinks. I’m usually a nice customer and I asked the bartender to take a shot with me and tipped him well after he closed my tab.

I asked for his name and I told him mine. He then told me that he is moving to a different bar and will be working there Tues and Wed. I asked if he was going to remember me if I go visit and he said yes.

Is he working me to become a regular customer or was he interested?

And the 2nd letter:

Dear Bartender: About a month and a half ago I was introduced to a bartender at the bar where my coworkers and I were having drinks. I’d always assumed that his flirty attitude was him simply “doing his job.” Recently though he suggested I go to a bar where he was going after work. i asked if the place was worth going to, and he replied I will be there so of course it was worth going to. I went and we spent most of the night talking, sharing our life stories, he introduced me to some of his friends, and anytime he would leave he would assure me that he would be right back. I am still quite apprehensive simply because he is a bartender.

Is he really interested?

So, Readers, I was tempted to simply say that I’ve answered this question before (and not just once, either) — but then I read the second letter more carefully.

People: Bartenders flirt. Enjoy it. Have fun. By all means, flirt back. But it’s a safe bet in the end he’s not trying to sleep with you.

I gotta admit, however, that if he invites you out to another bar, one he doesn’t work at, and spends the entire night exchanging life stories and introducing you to his friends — you may indeed have found your next squeeze.

Holds barred

Dear Bartender: I’ve been interested in bartending for a very long time now but always have been too afraid to try because I felt I would never be able to handle the drinks. But I’ve finally applied and have a trial shift at a very nice place. I love talking to people, asking questions and listening to their long answers, hearing their views on things…

Can you give me any advice on how to be a successful beginner bartender and prove to the management that I am the right person for the job? I’m not in this just to make lots of money or to get free drinks or meet attractive men. It just seems like a good job to talk to lots of different people in a laid-back environment.

I hope this message doesn’t sound too stupid. You’re a very witty and sarcastic person, so the last thing I need is a smart-ass response because I’m trying to be serious and hopefully get some good advice from a professional.

–Jackie

Dear Jackie. Ouch. Here I was all ready with a sarcastic, witty response and you go ahead and ask me to restrain myself.

So I’m stuck with, what? Answering your question? Jeez.

You’re already good at listening; that’s a great skill. The only things left are confidence, a killer smile, a quick wit, an ability to accurately count change and an uncanny knack at remembering who drinks what.

If you can manage all that, you’re home free. If you can’t, figure out your weak spots and compensate with an extraordinary ability in any of the other categories.

OK, people, your bartender Mitch will now return to his usual sarcastic and witty self. Beware.

Match Game, Pt 13

Dear Readers: Time for another round of Match Game. George Michael and Elton John decide to co-host a variety show modeled on “Donny & Marie.” In the opening theme, George sings, “He’s a little bit cunty” and Elton replies, “And he’s a little bit [BLANK].”

The Bedell

Dear Readers: Necessity is invention’s mama. I was serving iced tea made with hibiscus and rose hip the other day, at a party to send my friend Matt off to India. Someone asked if we could spike it. I tried a few things till I came up with a crackerjack summer cocktail: The Bedell.

2.5 parts vodka
1 part cold hibiscus and rose hip tea, lightly sweetened
1 part fresh squeezed lemon juice.

Serve chilled, over ice. Yum.

To have and not to hold

Dear Bartender: My wife and I no longer have sex, and I’m sorry to say that this situation is apparently non-negotiable. I have proposed having an affair with a woman who lives in a nearby town. She and I have already had sex. I do not want to divorce my wife, but I still want to have sex. My wife says I can’t have an affair. I say, no marital sex, no business calling the shots.

Bartender, what do you think?

— Frustrated in the MIdwest

Dear Midwest: The affair is yours to have. Your wife may end up divorcing you, but she’s wrong to think that celibacy and monogamy are the same thing.

I’m eager to hear if my readers have more to add to this topic.

Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

Dear Bartender: My 50s style boyfriend and I are trying to make the transition to just being friends, but we’re having trouble, erm, “unlearning” some habits of the physical nature. He’s just too handsome, with his hair all slicked upward, his two-tone shoes and his key lime pie 59 Chevy. But he wants to run off ~ solo ~ to LA to be an actor, and I’d like to start a family. It’s a hopeless affair, especially as I turned 39 today and my eggs are running amok. How do we stop this madness and get on with our lives? Garlic? Fisticuffs? Ill-fitting jeans?

~Yolked up

Dear Yolked: Great sex is great sex. Just because he wants to bolt doesn’t mean you have to give up the blue parts if you’re still having fun. Just memorize everything he’s doing and start thinking of ways to to teach it to the next potential Baby Daddy.

If great sex were food, it would be a soufflé — either dessert or the whole dinner.