Dear Readers: Time for another round of Match Game. George Michael and Elton John decide to co-host a variety show modeled on “Donny & Marie.” In the opening theme, George sings, “He’s a little bit cunty” and Elton replies, “And he’s a little bit [BLANK].”
Dear Readers: Necessity is invention’s mama. I was serving iced tea made with hibiscus and rose hip the other day, at a party to send my friend Matt off to India. Someone asked if we could spike it. I tried a few things till I came up with a crackerjack summer cocktail: The Bedell.
2.5 parts vodka
1 part cold hibiscus and rose hip tea, lightly sweetened
1 part fresh squeezed lemon juice.
Serve chilled, over ice. Yum.
Dear Bartender: My wife and I no longer have sex, and I’m sorry to say that this situation is apparently non-negotiable. I have proposed having an affair with a woman who lives in a nearby town. She and I have already had sex. I do not want to divorce my wife, but I still want to have sex. My wife says I can’t have an affair. I say, no marital sex, no business calling the shots.
Bartender, what do you think?
– Frustrated in the MIdwest
Dear Midwest: The affair is yours to have. Your wife may end up divorcing you, but she’s wrong to think that celibacy and monogamy are the same thing.
I’m eager to hear if my readers have more to add to this topic.
Dear Bartender: My 50s style boyfriend and I are trying to make the transition to just being friends, but we’re having trouble, erm, “unlearning” some habits of the physical nature. He’s just too handsome, with his hair all slicked upward, his two-tone shoes and his key lime pie 59 Chevy. But he wants to run off ~ solo ~ to LA to be an actor, and I’d like to start a family. It’s a hopeless affair, especially as I turned 39 today and my eggs are running amok. How do we stop this madness and get on with our lives? Garlic? Fisticuffs? Ill-fitting jeans?
~Yolked up
Dear Yolked: Great sex is great sex. Just because he wants to bolt doesn’t mean you have to give up the blue parts if you’re still having fun. Just memorize everything he’s doing and start thinking of ways to to teach it to the next potential Baby Daddy.
If great sex were food, it would be a soufflé — either dessert or the whole dinner.
Dear Readers: OK let’s step things up.
Those of you who’ve been with this site since we started have probably noticed a dip in the quality of questions. Used to be that people turned to Mitchell when they had a problem with their priest-slash-boyfriend, or were conflicted when their wives weren’t happy being “sex-surprised” by a homicidal clown.
Somewhere along the way the questions gravitated toward things like how much money a bartender makes, or what’s the expiration date of alcohol.
Your bartender is far more useful than just a person who makes your drinks, or a person who can tell you a recipe that uses pomegranate liqueur. Your bartender is sanity personified. You can tell him anything you want and he’ll give you the honest response you won’t get at home.
So let’s you and me figure out what this site is good for: solving the great mysteries of life or deciding if it’s safe to drink Bailey’s Irish Creme after Labor Day?
Dear Bartender: At my recent birthday party I was introduced to creamed corn wrestling. At first I was tentative, but then found out how much fun it is. Now I’m planning more parties with wrestling but I’m having trouble deciding what medium to fill the pool with. Jell-O is very time consuming unless you buy the stuff online that is made for wrestling but I have my doubts about it. Also, I’m considering butterscotch pudding or cooking oil and pasta. The summer is just starting, so I guess I could just schedule a round of wrestle-o-ramas and try all of them. It’s funny, I turned 51 and now all I want to do is wrestle women in slimy stuff… while drinking Margaritas… arrriba!!!!
–Creamed
Dear Creamed: I went to a friend’s party last year that had a kiddie pool filled with J-Lube. Shit that stuff can get cold. Whatever you’re gonna wrestle in, I suggest that it be warmed up.
But I gotta ask: wy’d you leave chocolate pudding off your list? It was good enough for Hitchcock, you know.
Still, I’m sure my readers would agree that the most pressing question is: how does one finagle an invitation to one of your parties? I mean, if we all promise to bring our own spoons.
Dear Bartender: How does one know if he/she is good looking? Is there a checklist or something you can run through to get the answer?
–Unsure
Dear Unsure: Start believing it the 10th time you hear it. Ten times from ten strangers is great, but that’s not to negate the value of hearing it 10 times from your spouse.
Dear Bartender: I like vodka tonics after work, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed an aversion to sweet things.
I’m thinking I’d like to find unsweetened tonic water, and then add Rose’s Lime juice or just a touch of sugar syrup or something to my own taste. I know they have diet tonic water, but it still tastes sweet (and gross).
Does anyone make carbonated tonic water with no sweetener?
Thanks.
-Will
Dear Will: Interestingly, tonic water will fluoresce under ultraviolet light. And if you find your tonic too bitter, you can add a pinch of salt.
But that has nothing to do with your question, which was how to find something carbonated that isn’t so sweet.
What happened to all the questions I used to get from slutty priests? Will, switch to vodka soda.
Dear Bartender: I’ve been a bartender for a few years, and am just recently finding some work at private functions. I have a gig coming up on Saturday, it’s an African dance party. The person hiring me found me online, and asked me about my rates, and I have know idea what to say! Any functions I’ve ever done have been booked through the bar I was working at, so I was only paid my regular wage. This is the first time I’ll be hiring myself out, and I’m not sure what bartenders usually make. I’ll work about 7 hours including time to help set up the bar, and they are allowing me to have a tip cup, so what do I charge????? Thanks!
–Kira
Dear Kira: I don’t know. Where do you live, in a big city or a small town? How many people are you expected to serve? How rich are the people hiring you?
How about this: decide how much you want to make total, divide it by 7 and then add $5, cuz you’re worth more than you think. And put that tip jar away — tip jars have no place at a private party.
Dear Bartender: I am a straight white male into playing Maid. Doing it for money TOTALLY turns me off, so please don’t suggest I go professional. I simply want to clean women’s houses, either naked or in a uniform, while Madam either supervises or goes about her business. (She can be clothed or unclothed, as she wishes.) If she wants to tell me I’m doing a bad job and tell me how I can do it better, that’s great too. Sometimes I’ll have to trade parts of my uniform for another chance at proving myself. All good.
My question has to do with a woman whose husband came home “unexpectedly” after I’d completely gone stark naked in my effort to clean this woman’s book shelf to her satisfaction. This man not only got naked himself, but he took a totally authoritarian tone with me and ordered me to clean the kitchen on my hands and knees. I didn’t like taking orders from a mere man, and to make things worse I’d already cleaned the kitchen! The woman seemed to be having the same amount of fun with or without the husband, so I don’t see what he really added to anyone’s experience. Needless to say I did a half-assed job “re-cleaning” this man’s kitchen but I’m not sure he even noticed.
My question: at what point could I have said no? And if the lady calls me back, should I go?
If it makes any difference the husband is just as overweight as I am.
–ManMaid
Dear MaidMan: You rolled over far too quickly, Lassie. Madam would have loved nothing more than a good dogfight. When you go back, you’d better wear something extra special you can trade for that second chance.
Dear Bartender: I have been having a problem when serving frozen cocktails such as a margarita or pina colada. Almost every time all the ice ends up watering the flavor of the cocktail. Any sugestions?
–Nestor
Dear Nestor: Use more liquor. Or use less ice. Or serve the lightweights last. Or do what I do: make the first batch so fucking strong that everyone’s too bombed to know what they’re drinking next.
Dear Bartender: Do you think people really react differently to different booze, or is it just in their head? (ie. tequila makes you crazy, whiskey makes you aggressive…) What have you noticed?
–Lance
Dear Lance: I have noticed, among other things, that gin makes people angry.
Different booze definitely elicits different sides of people — which is why I encourage my customers to mix up their drinks now and then. The ones who haven’t yet figured out which liquor makes them schizophrenic are seriously missing out.
Dear Bartender: My niece was born 5 months ago, and I got this idea from a book I read. This father had bought a bottle of wine when his daughter was born and they drank it 20 some odd years later. But I read that wine isn’t really meant to be kept for more than a few years. So I was wondering if you could recommend something that I could keep until her 21st birthday. I do not have an acquired taste for scotch so if there is anything else…
Thanks so much.
–Boomer
Dear Boomer: I’m a bartender, not a wine steward, but I’ll try to shed some light anyway.
Wine is packaged lots of ways — with screwcaps, corks, plastic corks, in bags inside boxes like breakfast cereal… That’s not your problem. Your problem, however it’s packaged, is how to store it for the next two decades while you wait for the kid to be of age.
You have two choices: Buy a bottle and drink it tonight or get yourself a good wine cellar. If the latter, you can store the damn stuff till you’re ready to celebrate when the kid turns ninety.
Dear Bartender: How do you know when to cut someone off? And when you do cut someone off, how do you do it?
–Slushy
Dear Slushy: The when depends on the who. I don’t cut everyone off at the same point of drunkenness. Some factors: Is he driving? What kind of drunk is he — happy, messy, angry, weepy? (Angry gets cut off first.) How familiar am I with his tolerance? I have a cheat sheet in my head of the regulars who can cross that fine line with little warning.
If it’s someone I don’t know, I watch how he interacts with the other customers — you know, to see if he’s bothering anyone or is getting sloppy. I’ve even cut off guys I didn’t know well who weren’t yet drunk but were drinking so much so fast that, should they suddenly cross some digital shift into totally plastered, I’d be pretty screwed if I had to tell my boss I’d only served him twenty gin rickies.
The how is easier. In a word: clearly. You don’t have to be mean about it if you’ve left no room for negotiation.
Cheers. Next one’s on me.
Dear Bartender: Here’s a question. It was posed by a normally somber but on this particular evening tipsy-loud fellow at a party. If someone asks for a Miller, what do you, as a bartender, give him: a Miller Lite or a Miller High-Life? Somber insisted that someone would order a High-Life if that’s what he wanted, but a “Miller” if he wanted a Miller Lite. And I guess men are too macho to add the Lite on themselves — they just want it understood.
Any help with this? I have a brother who’s a bartender and I suppose I could ask him, but I don’t want to bother him while his wife is pregnant.
–Matilda
Dear Sister: What does the pregnant wife have to do with anything?
If some guy ordered a “Miller” from me, I’d give him whatever Miller I had in the cooler — be it Lite, High Life, Gold or Miller Genuine Draft 64. If I had more than one kind, I’d give him a Miller Lite. You’re right that most men want the “Lite” part understood. It’s not so much that it’s not macho to be trying to lose weight and get drunk at the same time — it’s that it’s not consistent. Most guys try very hard to be consistent. It’s one of the things that separates us from you females.
Now please explain about your brother’s pregnant wife.
Dear Bartender: I don’t know if you remember me but I was the guy with the plaid shirt who was in your bar either last Thursday or Friday. I was hanging with my friend Sheila who was visiting from Santa Cruz. Does this ring any bells?
I’m writing because you were playing some great music, including this song that I’d never heard before that you told me was some band I’d never heard of. I should have written it down but I didn’t and now I can’t remember what it was.
Help? I don’t suppose you know what I’m talking about.
Dear Friend of Sheila: No, I don’t. But I thank you, nonetheless, for the opportunity to write about the semi- (or completely-) obscure bands I sometimes play at my bar. At some point, someone in one of those bands will Google the name and discover that good old Mitch has been attempting to introduce them to a wider/wilder audience.
Here are a few not-so-well-known songs that are currently in regular rotation at my bar when I’m working:
Allen Clapp: “Something Strange Happens”
Doc White: “Happy With You”
stuntdog: “Real of Anything”
Martha & The Muffins: “Women Around The World At Work”
Quantum Jump: “Starbright Park” and “Love Crossed (Like Vines In Our Eyes)”
Klaus Waldeck: “Jerry Weintraub”
Trio: “Hearts Are Trump”
The Earlies: “No Love In Your Heart”
Glad I could arrange an introduction, FOS.
Dear Bartender: So here is my situation: Yes at the local bar where my friends and I go all of the time I have a huge crush on the bartender! I know, I know avoid at all costs! However, he happens to be friends of my friends as well so he isn’t just some random bartender.
Anyway I let him know I was interested (getting drunk and giving him my number - I know mistake number 1!). I didn’t expect anything when I woke up the next day, I even felt a little dumb about seeing him again, but now every time I come in to his bar he hugs me, usually doesn’t charge me, tells me not to tip him and sometimes when I come to the bar to order a drink he will just lean over the bar to kiss me on my cheek! Even if the bar is packed he will take time out to talk to me or if I’m leaving, to leave the bar to give me a hug goodbye! And even when the bar is packed, I will look over at him and well catch each other’s eyes.
The other night when I came in he was just managing the bar so he wasn’t technically bartending. He came over and sat with me and talked to me all night. And we talked about real substantive things - like books, religion, etc. Then my friends were going to the store and I had mentioned I needed cigarettes and he just gave them money for them and asked my friends to buy them for me (he even knew what kind I smoked). When I was leaving he tried to get me to stay but I needed to wake up for work so I left. However, he hasn’t tried calling me or even asked me out.
I dated a bartender/bar owner for a long time so I get it: you’re a bartender. Your job is to flirt with pretty girls, make them come back, buy drinks etc. Girls try to hit on you all the time. But this time I think the guy may really be into me but I don’t know how to take it outside the bar where he works. I think he just takes for granted that he will see me at the bar at least once a week! Or maybe this is just an ego thing because I made it apparent I was into him? I’m not sure - am I confusing the signs? Is he just doing what a bartender should do? When is it bartender etiquette and when does the bartender ever like the girl?
Thanks,
Totally confused!
Dear ‘fused: You’re confused for a very good reason: this guy is doing everything he can think of to ‘fuse you. God knows what his agenda is but he’s sure not trying to be your boyfriend. Don’t tell him I told you, though, or those free drinks will disappear quicker than you can do a shot of Key Lime Pie.
He’s playing games. It’s his job. You know this already.
And, maybe I’m being too cynical here, but… that part about not tipping? He only means for you to tip him more subtly.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I or any other bartender hasn’t hit on a customer and meant it once or twice. It’s just that, when we do, you won’t have to ask if we’re serious.
Dear Bartender: I was wondering if you can definitively answer the following burning question that my drunken friends are debating. Do olives, and/or cherries, actually absorb any vodka at all in their respective martinis, or are they already so soaked with brine (olive) and strange red mystery sugar juice (maraschino cherry) that they are actually incapable of absorbing any of the alcohol in the time frame that it generally takes an “average” person to consume a cocktail?
Thank you.
– Jeanette
Dear Jeanette: The question is moot; the “average” person doesn’t worry about things like that. Not when there’s a cocktail to be drank.
Dear Bartender: I met this crazy guy the other night in a neighborhood bar. It was rather fortuitous because I was feeling a little suicidal that evening and I told him about it as we were talking. Turns out he’s a former psychologist. I took it as a sign and brought him home with me. We’ve talked since, and he is indeed almost as nuts as I am but here’s my question. If a guy tells you he has a brain tumor should you proceed with the relationship? I’m not sure if he was kidding or not. Should I demand medical records before taking it any further? On the other hand, I’m not looking for long term commitment so it could work out.
– CrazyBus
Dear Lunatic: Anyone who would tease a suicidal person about having a brain tumor of his own is definitely worth getting to know, at least in my book. In fact, it’s the best pick-up line I’ve heard in a long time. Sounds win/win to me, since, if the tumor is real, nursing him through treatment — say, Gamma Knife radiosurgery or something worse (depending on operability) — might take your focus off your own problems. The two of you could turn it into a game, maybe, each trying to outlast the other, with the winner getting the spoils, say, either his tumor in a jar or your suicide note in a pretty frame.
Us crazy people should, after all, stick together, don’t you think?
Keep it coming, people. These are the kinds of questions I like.
Dear Bartender: Where can I buy a bottle of booze (vodka or rum) that is bigger than those crappy mini ones? I need something closer to 5 oz. for bridal shower favors. I’m on Long Island.
Thanks.
–gina
Dear gina: Are you seriously asking me where you can buy a bottle of vodka/rum that’s not fewer than 5 oz on an island as big as Long Island? It’s not called “Long Island” cuz it’s short.
OK, I’ll bite, but I expect a kickback from Bargain Liquors on Sunrise Highway in Rockville Center.
